3rd night

He's been in my dream for the 3rd night already. Tears all over my face when i woke up again. ><

What should i do? T.T

And it's also the 3rd night without any good night message. I pray to God. To receive at least something from him. And God heard me. :) He texted me last night. Thank God. 

I'm trying to find the feeling that i used to have. The satisfactory which was so easily fulfilled. The smile on my face that was so easily found. 

I miss you. 

Seriously. 

2nd time

He was in my dream again last night.

*sigh*

This time, it's so real that i thought it WAS real. It happened in my school. Maybe that's why i thought it was real. I can even feel the excitement. T.T


I thought about it already. I'm not giving up. No i mean. Not to continue doing all those worthless thing. It's just that I won't force myself to not think about him. Just let the feeling continue to be where it's supposed to be. Forcing yourself to forget is torturing.

Yeah i know. To him, this might be nothing. He might have even forgotten me. But i don't care. I can't do anything about it. But i can control own feeling. :))

I hope i did the right thing.

NIGHTMARE

I DON KNOW WHY.

I DREAMED ABOUT HIM LAST NIGHT.

Not once. BUT 3 FREAKING TIMES!!  DAMN IT!


So, last night, i dreamed about him. I knew i dreamed about him. That's why i woke up. And only then i realized my pillow was wet. T.T Tears on my faces. I never cried in my dream. NEVER. But i just did last night. D:

The dream was kinda.. not logic. No, i should say IMPOSSIBLE. Let's skip the content. Wiped away my tears i fall asleep again.

HOLY SHIT. I saw him again!! God... is... punishing me! I woke up again. TT Slept again. And the same thing happened again. FML.

I lied. 

Because i said i didn't miss you. 

你

还记得

第一次，信息你时的心情。紧张，兴奋，期待。

隔天，想着该怎么开始我们的对话。

因为你第一次晚上主动信息，而爱上一首歌。

我以为那就是我要的。

以为听着那首歌你就会出现，所以不断的重复着。

但真的只要听着那首歌，美好的事情就会发生。

我以为是像他们说的那样。

你主动走过来打招呼，问我们午餐怎么办？

每天早上的 “早安” 信息，让我有了早点起床的动力。

去到图书馆，看到那张脸，会偷偷的傻笑。

中午，你会问我午餐吃什么。

有时会埋怨我不能陪你吃午餐。 

我觉得我很开心。

每天每天都有说不完的废话。

就算是废话，可还是笑着回复。

就算是废话，可还是好开心。

就算是废话，可还是好期待。

我以为你也那样想。

喜欢在图书馆的时间，因为你一定在不远处。

喜欢在lounge的时间，因为看得到你打乒乓。

喜欢每个星期二和四，因为有你在。

曾经，你主动换位子，来到我坐的桌子。 

曾经，你走了，但我说我自己一个，你特地赶回来陪我。

曾经，别人走了，我要呆迟一点点，你留下来陪我。

我以为那是真心的。

我化学的练习簿里，

有你教我的步骤，

有你画的图案，

有你圆圆大大的字，

那天，我心情超差。

我低着头，什么都看不见。

你来了，我却不知道。

你的关心，你的好奇。

你一问再问。

我以为，你真的关心我。

生日那天，你的祝福比谁都来得短。

但我还是特别喜欢你的那封。

有烦恼，你会发牢骚。

有问题，你会告诉我。

有好事，你会跟我说。

当你误会我说我也要离开时，

你的紧张，让我觉得好开心。

我以为那是好的。

腰际突然被人瘙痒，我跳了一下。

你却在一旁呵呵笑。

但最后我发现你原来也怕痒。

第一次，我帮你按摩。

朋友们都说，成功了！

第一次，你坐到我旁边帮我捶背。

我偷偷的笑了。

我看书的时候，你在旁边轻喊，

被我打了还哈哈笑。 

我冷了，你借我肩膀让我暖暖手。 

我们比赛，看谁先把城市猎人第二集看完。 

结果你赢了。

你还说你比李敏浩高。

我们一起去吃冰淇凌。

车里，你问我的问题，让我疑惑了。

我曾经因为你说的话而想要放弃。

但我还是固执的想坚持。

我以为那是希望。

一天晚上，你突然问我，

你是不是喜欢我。

我呆了。

我没有因为你的 “对不起” 而伤心。

因为我只看得见你所谓的 “一点点”。

我以为我会有希望。

阴差阳错，你送我回家两次。 

车里，你捏捏我的鼻子。

我瘙你痒，捏捏你的脸。

因而，你在我哥结婚那天到我家来。

你无法想象我有多高兴。

那天，在车里，我们聊了好多。

你摸摸我的头，

让我有种被疼的感觉。 

我以为那是光明。

可不知道从什么时候开始，

我发现一切慢慢的变了。

你不再经常找我聊天，

你不再像以前那样贴心。

我知道，你变了。

我知道，我们的距离变远了。

其实，我一直都知道，只是我想尽办法欺骗自己。

让自己活在谎言中。

我以为自己会没事。

可为什么总给我机会。

为什么还要给我希望？

让我没有打算放弃。

直到，

这天，一个朋友的一句，

心撕裂般的痛。

终于，醒了。

愿意面对现实了。

我告诉自己，我可以的。

笑一笑，就会没事。

但是，慢慢的我发现。

并不是这么容易。

只要一点点事情，就可以唤起记忆。

眼泪就会不听话。

那天开始，已经3次了，

在黑暗中，

疯了似的哭着。

真的真的

好累

Disappointment and Give Up

Yeah, yesterday night i was damn cheerful. I suddenly felt it's okay for us to be like that. At least there's memory. In the car, on that road he used to drive me out, i smiled. There were memories between us. And to be honest there were quite a lot. I'm satisfied. I thought, what for to be emo? What for to cry when nobody actually cares?

And the text last night made me smile.


But during lunch, I told David about it. Angela said he might know better. So i asked. And he really DID give me the answer. Yeah, it hurts when i heard what he said. I would never forget what he told me. If it weren't David who told me, i wouldn't believe HE actually said that. T.T

David said, if you enjoy what you're having now, then go on. But if you think you can do, just give up. Yeah. I thought about it. When i was duty-ing, i decided to give up. I told myself, it's okay to do so. It's still early stage. It's not that hard to give up now. Yeah, i know i can. :) And after what David told me, guess who was the first one that came to my mind? My bro. TT I felt like calling him and tell him everything. BUT NUUH I CAN'T!! aww

Today is his last day for exam. I saw him at the lobby and i went up to library. His classmate and him went to the library.. probably to visit the lecturers? We chatted for a while and he went back. That's it.

I thought i was ok. I texted Sze and told her about it. I was smiling. But when i reached home... My parents scolded me. Seeing their unpleasant faces, i started crying. Flashbacks appeared. Everything just rewind back. In school, in the car, at my house, lunch, ice cream. Then only i realized, we had so much memories. Maybe those are considered memories to me, but not him.

Ah miaw!

Stay Strong! 

lounge

Went to school this morning and found that library was closed. I always had this feeling that library will be closed for some reason yesterday. Proved my sixth sense right, again! 

Oh well, we went to the lounge. The china guy was there. I sat at the long long rectangle table. He sat at the round table. WHICH REGRET THE HELL OUTTA ME! Be patient and u'll know what happen. He played fb games while i tried to read some biology. 

He asked me to help him in the game. I went to sit beside him. He poked me and pointed at his shoulder. Oh well. People came in so i went back to study. 

When i went to the toilet, she came. We smiled at each other. Later in the lounge, i was busy studying and when i turned and looked at him. She. was. sitting. beside. him. So close! So near! HOI! Ok fine.

They played ping pong with two other guys. Blame myself la. I have phobia playing ping pong T.T People can play ping pong with him. People so pro know how to play with him. I. DON'T. KNOW. ANYTHING. 

Then, he gave up ping pong and sat down at his table. *sigh of relief* No wait, is there someone beside him? *turn slightly..* 

*clenching fist and taking deep breathe* 

HOI! She's sticking so close again!! DAYYUM U!! UGH! If there was something to punch at that very moment, i swear that thing's so gonna be out of shape. Haha but it was kinda funny as well. I think i watched too much drama. Pictures of me walking over and pull him away from her appeared. Lmao. U guys knew i wouldn't do that. >< 

I stuffed earphone in my ears but actually it was in a pause mode. I know that was bad, but i wanted to know what they were talking about. Nothing much. He stood up and went to the mini gym. I followed. I sat on the chair, not talking to him. 

She came in. She went straight to him. I can't explain what she did. BUT WOI! THEIR FACES WERE SO CLOSE!! LESS THAN 5CM! She did those faces that a girlfriend usually does to their boyfriend. I forced myself not to see. But i can't. The next time i stared at them, i saw something that nearly boom myself. SHE. FREAKING. TOUCHED. HIS FACE!!!!!! I can't stand it anymore. I left and walked all the way up to the main door. Sat there alone. 

I went back, they were sitting together again. T.T I packed my things. He asked, where should we eat. I said i dono. He packed as well. I think she asked about us going out for lunch and can she follow or something like that. I saw him shaking his hand. 

We had problem deciding where to eat. AGAIN. In the end, we went to Dong Guan. O.o Went back to school after that. Holy shit. I did something embarrassing. But i didn't regret. :)) 

I have the sixth sense, again, that he'll come out. He really did. We chatted in the car. And he suddenly said, let's see how's ur driving skill. And i was like, er... i don't wanna sia soi in front of u. Oh well. He said it was steady. Okay except for the part that i nearly missed the junction and i emergency turned into it. 

Back at school. I encouraged myself to ask. And i did. FTW ah miaw!! Oh well. *sigh*

Oh right. I HAVE TO GO STUDY NOW. I don't wanna fail biology as well. Oh did i mention that i screwed up moral paper!?

Last day tomorrow.

NUUUHH!!!!

moral test

Moral test. Screw it. Still remember last 5sc1's first ever moral during form 4. That was seriously epic. I don't think that's gonna happen in college. BUT I FREAKING KNOW THAT I'M GOING TO FAIL MORAL! 

Guess what, there was this 4 marks question. Somewhat like essay question. I. left. it. blank. Huga! Great. 

Our lecturer said we are not allowed to leave the room within half an hour. Most of us finished within 15 minutes and were staring at the clock. Finally, half an hour passed. Our lecturer said, okay u may leave now. More than half of the class handed in the paper and rushed out. 

Uhhhhhhhhhh.. 

Slap me! I'm imagining things AGAIN. 

NO. Listen to me first. In this kind of situation, it's not like i can control myself and i won't think about it. Thing is different now. Okay maybe it's just me. But i don't care. I have this f*cked up feeling. I feel like digging my brain out so i can't think anymore! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I promised myself. If he continues being like that, after exam, i think... no. I mean, i am going to give up. Seriously give up. Deal. 

D:

lunch

I love Tuesday and Thursday. Why? Because there's math class. NUH! Don't get me wrong. I mean, because there's a 2 hours lunch break. =)

In these 2 hours, a lot of things can happen. Especially when u're with Shay Mei and Shawnne and Angela and David. Today it's different. He had lunch with us. We always have problem deciding where to eat. Finally we decided to go McD. But in the end, we went to Chicago 7.

Everyone was like, ah miaw! eat porridge. Lol. I ordered spaghetti. Thinking back, lunch time was actually so fun. I can't stop laughing. He was sitting in front of me. Ahahaha i laughed so hard when he finished the burger within ... 2 minutes? While Shay Mei's was still sitting on the plate.

At lounge, funny things happened again. The tree scene, the "fuiiiilinngg"... A lot. 4 of us can just sit there talking nonsense and laugh like nobody cares. I bet the admins were so annoyed by our noises.

This shall be the first and last time we have lunch together? 

sick

The first person i saw this morning was him. I bet this is going to be the last time that he's the first person i see in the morning. T^T He asked if i'm okay, i looked pale. I just nodded and walked away. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!

Went into the computer room with Shawnne. I was trying to keep a distance with him. I know i shouldn't. I shouldn't do that!!! Screw myself. He came into the room after... 10 minutes? And sat down beside us. He asked questions and i answered. That's all. AND SCREW DA STUPID COMPUTER BESIDE MINE. It wasn't working, so he went out. ><

Class was boring. Especially when u're sick. It's worst. And some more the lab smelt like dead fish. Ish. 

Stayed back for duty. I started earlier. I was hoping that i could at least see him for a bit after my duty that's why i chose to start earlier. BUT WHAT THE HELL. Screw those @#$%^%$#@. I only finished at 2.50pm. See what?! People went home already. T^T 

Went to the library. Didn't feel like studying. In to the computer room again. Sick of facebook. Came out, and headed home. 

To be honest, i didn't feel like coming home. What for to come home? They're not talking to me. And you have to see faces and listen to complains all the time. I'm sick. I'm dizzy. I have flu. I have fever. I'm coughing. They knew nothing about it. 

Coming home, the feeling of being sad is getting stronger. The feeling of crying alone and silently. There's even memories with him in the house. SO TELL ME! WHAT FOR I COME HOME!? 

What should i do next? 

3 more days left. TT

cried

This is the 520 post. My favourite number. But this post sucks. TT

Yes. I did.

Last night. My sixth sense was always quite accurate. And there proved another accurate one.

Everyday, no matter what, there's gonna be at least one good night message. But last night, my phone seems to be really quiet. No vibrate, no blinking. No message. T.T

So, this is what it's gonna be in the end.

The moment i realized i fall for u, everything changed. 

feel

The feel is getting stronger day by day. I don't know what to do. I know for sure i'm gonna suffer like how i did last time. Should i just give up now?

Listening to that song, i nearly cried in class. But i hold back my tears. No i can't cry for him. No way. 

I know, it's not possible for us. I know very well. But i don't freaking know why i care so much about him! T.T

On the rainy days you come and find me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

D=

I know u guys are fed up with my post already. But i don't care. This is the only place that i can speak out. ><

And i know, for the millionth time that i'm thinking too much. After what happened yesterday, i have to think more. I don't want things be on repeat mode. I've had enough of it. T.T

Distance between us increased. Obviously. Or at least to me. I convinced myself that it's gonna be alright after all. I even had this feeling that, there's no big deal to live without him right? And i thought of giving up. In the end, damn him. He gave me hope again.

I tried my best. But there's nothing different.

Please, someone tell me, it's just me thinking too much. T.T

Need you now. 

something something

I. FINALLY. GAVE. HIM. THE. KEYCHAIN! 

FTW!

So proud of myself. =3 *cough* 

And umm.. *slaps* I SHOULD HAVE ASKED HIM! What the hell. Shesssh!! He asked. But why didn't i ask. T.T stupid me. *slap some more* 

Oh well. I studied biology just now. And guess what, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND A BIT. Okay maybe a bit la. But mostly, they know me, i dono them. *hang myself* 

And and and i'm watching City Hunter. It gets more and MORE interesting. FYI, it's now ep8. I can't wait for ep9. Sheesh!! This is why i hate following drama ep by ep. THIS IS FREAKING TORTURING!! Especially when u watch till the kin tio part and it says to be continued. That feeling... argh! 

He asked

which means,

he cares? 

dilemma

ARGH!!

Damnit.

ISH

YIIIIIIIIIIIISH!!


Okay don't worry. I'm not crazy, YET.

Should I or should I not give him that thing? >..< Gosh!!! Have been thinking about this since the day i bought it. ARGH!!!

I'm tossing coins to help me decide! Sheesh! It said, GIVE. wth.

*facepalm*

Tell me. How should i give? Give and run? Give and stay there? Look into his eyes? GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Tell me what should i do.. ><

June Break

I was complaining about the 3 weeks holiday last week. Guess what, we're now left with 3 days holiday. xD YAY! Mushrooms are growing on me. That's why i can't wait to get back to school! 

Let's start.

9.6.11

Went back school to give Mr Azizan the letter. Saw him there. He walked me down the stairs. =) Airport. KFC. =) Went into the waiting hall after that. And guess what, curse Airasia!! Delay! From 5:35pm to 7:25pm. Fine. Grab something at Marrybrown. 

My bro picked us and we went for dinner. Went back to his house, and there they are, the cutie pies. They were so excited when they saw my parents. Jumping and dashing around. FYI, YoYo is elder than ChaCha. She has this habit of 'kissing' ppl. And i dislike that A LOT. However, thanks to her, i'm now immune to that. 

10.6.11

Early in the morning, i felt my nose and forehead wet. Opened my eyes, and found one ChaCha in front of me. I screamed and my mom was laughing.

Brought YoYo to the vet. She wasn't as active as usual. In the car, she struggled all the way to the Vet. 

Sungei Wang, Lot 10, Times Square. Bought something i wanted desperately. ANGRY BIRD!!! Don't ask me since when did i get so addicted to Angry Bird. And Domo. My dear love it SO much. I felt bad because i lied to her. Saying that i didn't buy it. xD

Night at home, YoYo was playing with the stick. I ran into the room and grab Domo, and put it in front of her. She JUMPED. Ahahaha. I tried another time. She jumped AGAIN. We were laughing so hard seeing that. 

11.6.11

Didn't have to time to go out today. Started make up at 2 something. The make up artist is so friendly. =) Reach the restaurant at 6.30pm? The dinner only started at 9pm. Starving! But two thumbs up for the food there. So yummy! 

Below the Restaurant was a Pub? Or a club? Whatever la. Ppl in there were screaming and shouting. @@ I'm 18 already right? I can go in already right? Nah, not interested! xD

12.6.11

Sunway Pyramid. Met up with Lilian there. =) Her hair is SO SHORT! I finally agree that my hair is long. x) We went to Rotiboy. YUM! At first i was wondering, how am i going to finish that bun!? *first bite* O.O *nom nom nom* Finish. 

Bought a cardigan at Kitschen. My mom was abnormal that day. Let's see what happen.

Mom: This one nice ler. 

Me: Of course i know nice la. But i have the grey one already and i want to buy another jacket ma. 

Mom: This is cheap wad. 

Me: I want the jacket from Romp ba!

Mom: Buy that one also la!

Get me? She's so abnormal that day! =)

Had PenChai for dinner. NICE! Let the photo explain. 

After dinner, we watched them ice skate. SHUAI. heeeeeeehs. I always wanted to go ice skate with the person i like. =) Macam BOF. AWW!!! *slaps* Stop dreaming.

13.6.11

One Utama. Last day shopping. Shop like crazy. But not me. My mom! 

I love this jacket. Guess how much it is. T.T 

Fed up with One U, we went to the Curve and Ikano. Spent a lot. I think my dad's gonna cry. x)

14.6.11

Finally, it's time to go home. I felt unhappy to go because of the two alarm clock. They licked to wake me up every morning. aww.. T.T I hugged ChaCha one last time before we went out. She licked me, as usual. =')

Curse Airasia once again. DELAY LAGI!! Damn. Surprisingly, i saw Mr Yeo!! And then, Val texted me. She was actually beside me. xD Same flight some more.

I lied..
Because i said i no longer care.  

空虚

莫名的空虚感。

我只是好奇。

真的只是，好奇。

='(

Listening to On Rainy Days 

Wedding Day

050610

Okay i know this is random. This was the night before the actual wedding day. He wore the new pajamas. So i snapped. =)

I slept at around 3 last night. And had to wake up at 6 something. @@ Unwillingly, got up and helped my mum. Already in a super bad mood, my mum still went for the nagging session. THAT WAS ANNOYING! argh! 

My bro's friends came over at around 7.30am, followed by my relatives. My bro went to fetch the bride after everything was done. Only after he went out, then baru i got time to 'tidy up' myself. When my cousins saw me early in the morning, they were like, hoi what happened to u!!!? 

Bathed, dressed up within... 45 minutes? Okay luckily my bro was slow enough. I managed to snap some photos with my cousins. =) But umm.. to highlight the lead male and female of this post, i'll only upload their photos here. Visit my facebook IF you are interested in my photos. Heeeeeeeeeehs. 

Finally, they are back.

Tea ceremony. =) Okay i only uploaded my grandma's. 

Going to their room. Heeeeeeeeeehs. I suddenly realized how handsome my bro is. xD

Ahahahaha. This cute little guy is the kid who rushed to me and said, " Big bird big bird big bird ah!" SHO CUTE!!

Finally. Ta-daa!

Ahum. Something uhm.. happened. He came to my house. He texted me and said will it be weird if he come in and talk to me. I said, it's okay. I thought he was going be outside. Who knows when i went out, he was right outside my doorstep. O.O

Misunderstandings. LOADS. My bro who knew s.o.m.e.t.h.i.n.g about him was so interested in him. He even asked me to intro him to him.  *facepalm* It was actually so awkward. He even texted me when he was sitting just next to me, about the misunderstandings. UGH! 

I was supposed to be at Grand Magherite by 2.15pm because the make up starts at 2.30pm. He offered to give me a ride. I rejected. I didn't know why. Maybe i don't want to go further. He insisted. Okay then. I followed him. 

In the car, he asked me since when did i.... *cough* I was like... >< ahhhaaa... Then i asked, since when was his "a little bit". He gave me the answer i gave him. -____-  I. think. I. blushed. It was so embarrassing! He even teased me with that. HOI. 

He shocked me. Because he put his hand on my head. I was stunned. O.O Makes me hate him la! I don't know why i love it when a guy sayang a girl's head. >< *slaps* 

Dinner. 

Things were somehow kelam kabut. And ou ya.. not forgetting to mention that, the MC for the night is so very the shuai. xD He is so friendly. Maybe i'm the groom's sister? He smiled to me when he saw me. (My seat was just opposite him.) The funny part was, when he sang, i went near the stage to take photo. He posed with a peace. lmao. 

Sorry, my so very annoying camera went low batt at night. I was so annoyed. Luckily i video-ed the so precious moment my bro and sis in law walking in. That was why i missed the chance to take photo of the MC. Hoping my cousin gonna upload the photo. xD

When everyone went back, my bro checked in their bridal suite. SUI!! It was so freaking big. A whole kampung can fit into that room. 

The end. =)

He said he won't kill the feeling. 

insomnia

The clock shows 1:42am. 

And i'm sitting on the super hard chair typing this. I can't sleep. ><

Sheesh!! I hate this. I feel sleepy but. i. can't. sleep. T^T

Counting the stars.

abnormal

Last night, something happened. It was a surprise. A real surprise. 

So today, there was an answer. A disappointing answer. But surprisingly, i didn't really feel anything. Abnormal much? Yeah i know. This is weird. 

Now, the only thing i care is.. I. wanna. sleep. 

Nothing's different. Smile girl. You made it! 

=)

Time to give up.

ish

I just didn't want to make you feel annoyed. 

It's not that I don't wanna text you.

It's just that I don't know how you feel when i text you. 

='( 

holiday sucks

I thought i was the only one feeling this way. BUT NO. Shay Mei and Shawnne feel the same way too. Holiday sucks. =( I always hate holidays when i have school break. But this is the first time that i hate it this much. U know i know why. x(

Today is only the starting of my 19 days holiday. It's super long. And i felt like hell on the 1st day. How am i going to survive the coming 18 days? Primary and secondary resume their classes on 13th. But us? 20th. Holy shiat. This is torturing. T.T

Oh well, I hope everything's still gonna be perfect in this.. 18 days.

Anybody wants free holidays?