Boyfriend

This morning while I was getting ready for school, my mom said something out of the blue. 

She was like, I think you better don't expect to find a guy like the person wearing glasses on your wallpaper (Uknow). If you find someone suitable, try to become friend ( her so called "friend" means in a relationship). Or else when you reach 20, nobody wants you. 

And I gave her the what-is-wrong-with-you look. All these while, whenever I mention about someone who is interested in me, my dad will be unusually quiet. I know, every father feel jealous when their daughters are ready to have a boyfriend. Because someone is replacing them to take care of their daughter. 

My mom said he doesn't disagree. As long as it doesn't affect your studies. I gave my mom a smile and walked away. I don't know why, but my tears started rolling down. I wiped it and headed to school. On the way to school, I cried. 

Sorry guys, I know I was moody this morning. 

You

There

There were 3 new messages in my inbox when I checked my phone. Without expecting much, I pressed view. There he was, the similar name. My heart acted normally. It didn't race.

We chatted like how we did. But I bet the feelings are different. Both of us. He no longer text me for a reason. I, no longer reply because what I want is to make the conversation continue. I feel it. During all those conversation, we were like really close friends.

He asked, why did you block your blog? My answer was rubbish. He said he wanted to read. I answered him rubbish again. I think he was annoyed.

I shouldn't ask for more. 

He asked

I couldn't tell if it was in my dream or was it in reality. The only thing i could remember was what he asked me, in a teasing way. Yeah, people say you always dream of what you thought. 

Why did you block your blog?

Good Friend

You once said, we can be good good good friend, and I agreed. But you should know that I couldn't do that.

How can I treat you as a friend? A friend is a person who can smile when you hold someone else's hand and say, i finally found her. Can I? A friend is a person who comforts you and say GO FOR HER! YOU CAN DO IT! when you are so depressed because of someone else. Can I? A friend is a person who doesn't fall in love with you. Can I?

No. I can't.

*holds a baseball bat and smacks*


If I didn't fall for him, we could be really good friends, I bet. IF I didn't. Chatting with him was always comfortable. Although there were times when I didn't know how to reply his text. How I wish I could text him everyday as if nothing had happened.

Sorry, we can be good good friend :) 

That day

My mom wanted me to choose the photos taken by the photographer on my brother's wedding. After choosing, I went for a bath.

While showering, pictures of me and him chatting in the living room appeared. He greeted my dad, and then my mom. My brother even walked to him and shook hands. We talked a lot. He insisted to drive me out. Tears started running down again, I just couldn't help it.

What I regret is that, why didn't I think of taking a photo with him that day? If only there was a photo of him, I might feel better.

and she'll continue to smile no matter how hurt she is 

Future

I was never confident. Never was. I kept complaining about myself, while people around me kept on comforting and telling me that I am better than I thought. But I never believed.

He once told me something that I never had imagined. I didn't believe. I was doubting all the while. Until one day, it became history. From that moment onwards, I started blaming myself for not believing what he said. I started to regret what I had done. But what else could I do to bring back time? None.

I had this imagination. Imagining him being a doctor maybe after 7 years? He will be a successful person, a specialist?. During University life, he meets a girl whom he cherishes. Then they end up being together. A pretty girl she is, might as well is a doctor? They get married in UK and they have children. A pair of twins, maybe?

And one day, when i visit UK, I meet him on a street. Holding his lovely wife in one hand, a little boy in the other hand. He has the widest smile ever. I look into his eyes and he looks into mine. He no longer remember me. He walks pass me.


Yes, I am still giving myself false hope that he is coming back, even though I know it's not possible. Every once in a while, when he text me, I give myself hope. I feel like slapping myself. I just couldn't help it. A book I read recently dragged me back to life. Why don't I do something to distract myself? So yeah, I'm trying my best not to think about it.

When am  I going to be able to say that

the two of you look great together 

Brave

The day was suppose to be an ordinary day, a day with laughter, a day that I wouldn't feel anything when i recall about it.

After lunch, we went to lounge. We chatted as usual. Suddenly, while talking to them, I turned my head towards the main entrance of basement and saw the familiar blue car. I gasped and the first thing that crossed my mind was - run.

Twin knew what I wanted to do when I stood up. T-T I lovo you caterpillar!! I rushed to the lobby to get my bag. I tried to find his car at the parking lot. But there was no sign of it

I went to 2nd floor. I told twin that he might had went home already. She said no. That moment, someone pushed the freaking door and came in. Screw it. It's him. I tried so hard to avoid meeting him but in the end I still see him. At first I wanted to pretend talking to twin but on second thought, I shouldn't do that.

As he got closer, I looked at him and he waved. I forced a smile and waved back. Without stopping nor slowing down, he walked pass me. I didn't have the courage to turn around. I knew if I do so, I will cry.

After class, on the way home, I thought of what happened. I kinda panicked because I couldn't remember the face I just saw a few hours ago. I tried my best to recall but what I got was an imperfect puzzle with a piece missing. I couldn't remember his face. TT-TT

I thought I became braver after you left 

I thought I wouldn't cry when there's nobody around

I thought I no longer need you.

What happened to my heart today,

proved me wrong. 

Teaching

Teach. Not me. :)

He just text me just now. So, my heart itchy, hand itchy, eyes itchy, and I..... *took a deep breathe* visited his profile.

From the conversation between him and his friend, he's teaching.. kindy kids? But he told me he's teaching primary 1 students. Eh? Oh right, so I scrolled and scrolled, read and read, giggling by myself.

*slaps*

There was this part that, he said there's a kid who hugged him, like a koala bear hugging a tree. Ahaha. This is funny. I can imagine. I couldn't believe I actually smiled when I found out how happy he is now.

你還是要幸福 

dream

*high pitch scream*


*cough* Sorry being random. I just couldn't help it but scream.

Why?

Oh well. Because. I dreamed of someone random. x) Random? Nah. Totally not! That dream was so real. The dream ended when i opened my eyes. AWW! It felt as if he was really beside me the previous second. I was giggling like mad after realising it was only a dream and covered my face with the blanket, smiling.

The feeling of waking up from a dream with this person in it was totally different from the ones with Mr B. I know this is not that kind of feeling. Maybe it's like what Angela said, he's the type of person that I want?

Keep it inside. 

還是要幸福

不確定就別親吻 感情很容易毀了一個人
一個人若不夠狠 愛淡了不離不棄多殘忍

你留下來的垃圾 我一天一天總會丟完的
我甚至真心真意的祝福 永恆在你的身上先發生

你還是要幸福 你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕 別跟著我 銘心 刻骨

你還是要幸福 我才能確定我還得很清楚
確定自己再也不會佔據 你的篇幅
明天 開始 這一切都結束

還我鑰匙的備份 我覺得再見可以很單純
我甚至真心真意的祝福 永恆在你的身上先發生

你如果很幸福 半夜的簡訊我就無需回覆
因為你的悲喜已經有了 容身之處 我也 能有 最純粹的孤獨

最孤獨的孤獨



This is how I feel now. Exactly. Especially the line 你還是要幸福 你千萬不要再招惹別人哭  :'(

good nite

He just text me and said good night. He didn't do so for like 3/4 days already. Those nights when there's no message from him, I was like, fine, it's okay. And the next day when i checked my phone and there's no sign of his message, I'll be like T_T

When i received this message from an unknown number, I didn't expect it to be him. I thought he changed number. He said he's using his mom's number.

Why is he doing this to me? Is this how he treats a friend? A friend who mean nothing to him?

Not there and haircut

Had been texting with this person since Saturday. The feeling is totally different comparing to how it was 2 years ago. I know I shouldn't do this to him. But I can't help it. I know I'm selfish.

I don't know why am I doing all these. Maybe it's because I want to know how he felt when he text me all day long. Maybe I wanted to know, will it be possible for someone to text another person whom he/she is not interested in? And my answer is, no.

Maybe he doesn't mind. He doesn't care who he's texting. :'( That's why we text. We became close. And I like him more each day. He felt the same as time goes by. Finally, he asked and we gave each other an answer. The answer was expected, so I didn't feel the pain that I should have.

Last night, I suddenly had those flashbacks. One of them was the one in his car. When he patted my head with a smile on his face. When he put his hand on my knee. When he asked, you don't get me? Really don't get me? When he pointed on his cheek. When he leaned over. I finally understand everything that happened that afternoon. T_T


I cut my hair again. Why? Because I felt better after cutting my hair last time. I felt as if I could live a better life without him. I stupidly thought that he would be out of my life after the haircut. And I did feel better. So yesterday, I cut again.

But this time, nothing seems to have changed. Or should I say, it became worst? Lying on the bed with my eyes wide open, and those flashbacks. The moment i finally understand about everything, tears rolled down. I had been fine for the past few days. I didn't cry in the night. Why is this happening to me? When I think I'm alright without him, things come back one by one.

那遗憾有可能弥补吗？

别再哭了

伤心情歌播几遍了

你的眼还是红红的

生命总有些过客

现在不过多了一个

结束了何必再拉扯

有心事总该遗忘的

你听着听着又哭了

我明白的 谁都难免不舍

别再哭了 多不值得

笑一笑把 爱情看透彻

生活苦涩 该他负责

他会后悔 他做了这选择

别再哭了 多不值得

失去也是另一种获得

伤心情歌 不属你的

幸福 不一定非爱谁不可

爱错了 又能如何

别再哭了 不值得

笑着 把爱情看透彻

生活苦涩 他负责

他会后悔 他做了这选择

别再哭了 多不值得

失去也是另一种获得

伤心情歌 不属你的

幸福 不一定非爱谁不可

难熬的 会经过的

Open Day

10.9.11

Open Day. Again. I was chosen to be Tour Guide this time. No more Bistro. No more wash plates. BUT I RATHER WASH THE FREAKING DISHES!! 

Arrived there at 8.30am. Finally, Ms Tiffany gave us the so called script. She said she was going to test us. And we were like chiong-ing the paper. And then we found out we are allowed to read the paper during the tour. -..- 

There were 3 of us. Boon Yan? i think. Amelia and me. When visitors came, Amelia and me were like, er.. you go la, train yourself, some more you're still coming tomorrow. In the end, we only brought the Townians for a tour. 

One thing that i love during Open Day is that you can try new beverage. Not much for this time comparing to the previous Open Day. I drank 4 cups of coffee today. 4. :) I forgot to take photo for the coffee made by Donna. 

My first coffee of the day. Cappuccino. Thanks Mr Ting. 

Caramel Frappuccino. Thanks again Mr Ting. 

Butterscotch Frappuccino. By Mr Ting as well. 

Mr Chris' masterpiece. 

My lunch (chicken rice) and tea break. 

THIS IS SO VERY THE AWESOME. Why? Because it brings back memories. 

Ah Lian, Charles, Brandon, Yik Lung. Ahahaha. 

Some snacks for the Townians. Looks yummy, don't they?

I have been texting with someone since Saturday, fyi that someone is not Mr.b. What makes me feel guilty is... I treated him the way Mr b treated me. I am not trying to take revenge nor finding someone to replace him. NO. He will not be replaced. Never will. I just don't know why. 

I wanted to know how you feel when you did that to me. 

late night message

9.9.11

Woke up this morning, checked facebook. There was one new message in my inbox. Not giving much hope, I clicked. It was him.

*thump thump*

He said something's wrong with his phone, that's why he didn't reply. He said he just went back home after going out with his friend. Friend. A "she"?

The time shown was 12 something.

Temporary blocked and birthday

This is going to be a long post. I don't mind if you leave.

I blocked my blog. He's been reading my blog since I don't know when. T_T He knew everything about me but I don't know a tiny shit about him.

Now I know why he did all those things that gave me dilemma whether that feeling was still there or not. He gave me Xiao Bai because he felt guilty. He still chats with me because he don't want me to feel lonely. He sometimes still cares because that's what a friend does. He tells me random stuff because he feels like sharing it with a simple friend. That's all. The end.

Please don't try to comfort me by saying that it's me thinking too much. I am so sure about it because he told me something. The moment he told that something, I was like, yeah i know! I'm fine. And I gave him that stupid grinning face. Do i sound fake? He believed, right?

I'm starting to think about things i hate again. There's a "she", right? That's why things changed, eh? "She" is the one who receives his text every morning. "She" is the one who he chats with from day to night. "She" is the one who he cares a lot that he goes to her house just to see her. "She" is the one who he wants to share about everything.

Today is his birthday. This morning I sent him a simple birthday text. He replied. And the conversation ended. Just now, I texted him again. Yes, I so don't want face. T_T He said he went out for movie with his friends. His friends. Will "she" be one of them? "She" is with him on his birthday. "She"... Thinking about this, tears started running down again.

I was crying when he texted back. Typing those smiling emoticons made me cried harder. It's killing me inside but I have to pretend that I am fine. Ironic, isn't it? The conversation ended again. I lied. I said I wouldn't cry. I said I no longer care. I said I'm over you. Because I knew he's viewing my blog. I don't want him to text me because he felt sorry. I don't want him to pretend that he cares about me. I don't want him to feel annoyed.

Tears won't stop. Every night, I pull the blanket over my head, with Xiao Bai in my hand, I cry. It's so dark inside but i felt safe. Last night, my mom pulled my blanket and saw me crying. She asked me what happened. I don't know what to tell her. I just shook my head. She knew something's wrong with me. So I tried my best to laugh and joke around as usual.

How painful it is to recall those memories that used to be so sweet. How hard i tried to hold back my tears when I remember the way you talk to me. How much I miss those times when you used to send me morning text. How you stayed back or came back to campus just to accompany me. How we used to have endless topics to chat about.

Do you understand how I feel? 


Hey there, Happy birthday. By this time next year, if someone mentions about you, I bet I will be able to say, Oh it's his birthday? I forgot.

It was expected. But it still hurts. :'(

Past tense

So i finally got the answer. But I was so neutral. I didn't feel anything. Okay maybe a slight pain? Other than that, there was nothing. Perfectly nothing. Maybe it's been so long that I've got used to the pain and now it seemed like nothing. Or maybe... I knew the answer already.

What really surprised me was the first answer. I never took that for real. So that's why i asked.


Girl, you're brave enough. So now, it's okay to cry. 

The day Xiao Bai appear in my blog,

it's the day that i decided to move on

without you. 

Smile

You promised yourself that you wouldn't cry. 

Smile, girl. :)

Mom and him

My mom suddenly asked about *cough* again. Why is she doing this to me.

*pulls hair*  

She said something that makes me think that she's stalking him. It was so accurate. Hahaha I didn't know what to answer her so I kept nodding my head. Hoping for her to stop asking. 

And then, she finally asked that question again. 

*pulls hair and runs in circle* 

I DON'T KNOW! I REALLY DON'T KNOW.  That was my answer. TT_TT  She continued torturing me. How can you not know? I don't think so.

Yeah right. I don't know. What do you want me to say? Alright yesh! I'm avoiding that topic again. Ahhhhhh.. Moms really understand their daughter. She knew that I wanted to run away from reality. That's why she brought up the topic?

So, i finally showed her his photo. I refused to show her last time. But today I thought, what's the point of hiding? I laughed my head off hearing the first thing she said after seeing his photo. Ha Ha Ha.

I can tell her anything about any guy i know. But when it comes to him, i swallow everything. Not even a single word. Not yet. I am not ready yet.

He likes you?

I don't know. 

No wait, I don't think so. 

you, i mean HIM

I promised myself not to mention about you in my blog. But I just can't help it. TT__TT

Had a short, really short chat with him the night before last. It felt like those old times again. The only thing that's different was the... feel? I don't know.

I was trying to avoid certain topic. But it still went that way. Those questions that I do not have an answer. Twin encouraged me to step forward. And i did.

After all those chat, he left. While chatting with twin, she asked me a question that I was trying to avoid all the time. I tried my best to hide. Because whenever this question comes out, I panicked. I. don't. know. the. answer. TT_TT


And yesterday while duty-ing, I saw something, AGAIN. Woi! That was the 3rd time i saw something that I dropped the stupid heavy black file. It was so embarrassing. The office was so quiet and suddenly TUBBB! I knew they were staring at me. *cough*

I was flipping through the pile of papers and that name suddenly appeared.


*thump thump THUMP* 

I wish i had a photo with you.

Goodbye

Hey there, it had been nice chatting with you, although it was only a less than an hour chat. Like what I said, chatting with you seemed so natural. Everything came without thinking. There was nothing to be afraid of while chatting. And i thought i found another friend.

But then you removed me.

Goodbye 

and all the best to you. 

Misunderstandings. 

Everything's fine now i guess :)