Her wedding and His wedding

It's my neighbour sister's wedding today. It's a Sunday. A few months ago, my brother's wedding, it's on Sunday as well. And that Sunday was an unforgettable Sunday. A day that unexpected things happened. I promised myself not to think about him but what to do? I still did. 

I could still remember what exactly happened on that day. He came to my house at around 1pm. We sat on the sofa, with pairs of eyes staring at us. He was texting, as usual. But he smiled when we was talking to me. And I still remember that my heart felt warm sitting next to him. 

After like half and hour or so, he drove me out. That was the part that kills me every time I think about it. Yeah. I thought about it today. What made it worst was that we went to Sunny Hill for ice cream. I sat at where he sat on that scorching hot afternoon. He was sweating like always. He told me about the books he read. Uh huh. He likes books. A lot. On the way back to school, he asked me something weird, and he told me about some of his story. 

Everything that happen today reminds me of him. The wedding. The ice cream. The wedding dinner. Everything. During the dinner, I meant months ago on my brother's wedding, he text me. Talking about random stuff. Just now while texting David, I thought, wouldn't it be great if it was him? 

I swear I will not think about him after today

GCT and Over

GCT - Green Chemistry Talk. Yesterday, it was. Early in the morning, we sat for our mid-term Malaysian Studies exam. I completely the paper within 15 minutes. Handed in the papers, left the room, headed to the library for revision.

I wondered, why do I always choose to go to the library when there's still other choices like where my twin went, the lounge? I found the answer. In fact, that place was where the story began. And that was where the story ended. I foolishly thought that, maybe that place could make me feel closer to him.

Went out for lunch, as usual the 5 of us. Asian Recipe. Fried rice with salted fish. Nom. Salty. Oh ya. Went to Korean Products. Ahaha. My twin and I decided to solve lunch problem there next time.

2.00pm. My twin and I were selected to be the usher. Well, we didn't do anything besides laughing. I'm really sorry, Stephanie and Wendy. Wasn't really paying attention to the talk because we had attended some of their rehearsal.

David and Angela. The April 2011 representatives. 

Miss Kho with her Iphone. 

This guy was carrying the fire extinguisher around.

Bored.

321.2 Haha.

Then, my twin and I got so bored that we started to capture these. 

Group Photo. *smile*

Got back my phone yesterday afternoon. No message from him. I felt disappointed. Sorry, I know I shouldn't feel that way. So last night in the bathroom, I thought, it has been 4 months since the day I decided to give up. Hoping for miracle to happen. I think it's time for me to wake up, face the truth and accept it. It's over.

Phone and House

I left my phone in Ting Ying's bag this afternoon. So, it's not with me now. I don't know why but I was kind of relieved when I came back home without my phone. But everything changed after dinner. 

Went to Hock Lee after dinner. Me, sitting at the back row seat, having butterflies in my stomach, because we passed by his house. I couldn't help but stared at that house. I closed my eyes, tried not to think about anything related to him. But I couldn't. 

What is it that causes all the tears?

Him and School

He went to school today. 

During Chemistry class, I saw someone wearing black T, someone who is so familiar, someone who make my heart beat faster immediately after seeing him, walking pass our class. He didn't see me I guess, or he didn't but he didn't care. 

David said, did you see him? Yes, I saw him but I denied. Sorry David. I was trying to protect myself. I lied to myself. I couldn't concentrate after that. I laughed and joked with them. But I didn't know why was I laughing. 

Yes, it is still there. The feeling. It is still with me. But I bet it no longer matters to him. 

I told my mom. She asked, did he look into the class? No. He didn't. Right? He doesn't care anymore. He no longer bothers to text me saying that he's in school. That's it. I am the one who couldn't accept the truth. I could go around and advice people to let go but what happen to me? 

I am so guilty right now. Because I am somehow hurting someone's feeling. I text this person whenever I feel sad. It's like I'm making use of him. I know he is serious and I still kind of give him hope. This is really bad. :(

Tears under the shower

撑．不住

在浴室里

任由花洒利落的洒在后背上

双手抱脚

把头埋在膝间

尽情的

放声大哭

Chemistry notes

This was what he drew. 

:'(

Again and them

Told Shawnne about what I did yesterday during Biology class. I said I wanted to go back but I'm afraid.. er. *cough*. So she said she would drive. :) Shawnne! FTW!!

Class today was fun as usual. Miss Tan. Ouh ya. Never mentioned about her. She is our new lecturer. She is so nice, patient and everything. And most of all she is good in teaching. She likes to give assignment, and for us to present. But thanks to her, I'm no longer nervous to talk in front of the class. No wait. The next time should be an exception. Because. Miss tan. INVITED THE UNIT 5 & 6 SENIORS AS WELL. Oh great.

Chemistry class. Miss Kho was so headache because none, NONE of us did her homework. Spent the 1 and a half hour doing and discussing the pass year.

Lunch time. David, Shawnne, twin and I went to 3rd mile for curry rice. After that, we went to... *cough*. (Ok, I know Lilian Lau is going to say that I'm stalking again. xD) The same thing happened. My heart. Beat. Fast. Let's not talk about this. Next, we went to Mund square's house. And David's house. So that we know where to go during CNY.

On the way back to school, Shawnne suddenly grabbed my hand and shouted, AH! I forget to buy baby clothes! So we headed to 101. Reached there, TUTUP. -_- I saw the Pet Passion shop. We went there and have a look. GOSH!! There were so many dogs in there. The girls got so excited when we saw the Poodles. So cute!! And of course the Siberian Husky. T^T It makes me miss Snowy. Before leaving, there was this customer who brought his pet dog there, a Miniature Schnauzer. Same colour as Yoyo, but SO MUCH quieter than her. Back to school after that.



Since the very beginning, there was Ju Ju, Ah B, Xiao Huang and Mund mund. We never expected much. They were all so confident that mine would be a happy ending or something. But in the end, see what happen to me? We suspected something would happen to twin and xiao huang. But she denied and refused to believe. Now, see what is happening to them? 


This morning, Angela told me that she somehow doesn't feel sad when he ignores her. Her aunt said maybe it's because she's over him already. I don't know if she's telling the truth. Maybe inside of her, she's not feeling the same way. Or maybe she IS telling the truth. I'm not saying that she lied on purpose, it's just that some people chose not to face it, like me. If that really was how she felt, that would be great. I want to say, Angela, you are over him already. :)


As for Shawnne, I think she can still try a bit. There's still chance. We will never know if there's a possibility until that person says no. Yes, it does hurt to get the negative answer. But if you never try, you will not get the positive answer. 


I don't know why did I insisted to go to that place. Maybe it's because I can give up after that? Or maybe it's because I wanted it to be fair, as he knows where is my house but I don't know his? Or.. because I was trying to shorten the distance between us?


This is the first time I couldn't get over someone for such a long time. Before this, I said I couldn't forget, but after a few months, it no longer affects me. I know, if i make up my mind to forget about him, I can. I guarantee within one month, he will be out of my life. But I chose not to. And I don't know why. Someone out there, please, anyone who understands me, please tell me what is happening to me? 

One day 

It will all be gone.

Urge and Thump

After the meeting for Green Chemistry Talk, it was still early ( around 3.15pm? ). I had a sudden urge of doing something *cough*.

Heart beating fast, I drove to that unfamiliar place. Driving slowly, searching for a sign of it. I turned back when I knew I went the wrong way. I drove straight into one of the road, to the end. I didn't find anything. Feeling disappointed, I reversed. When I was about to leave, I saw that familiar number.

No, wait. This is it! I drove a bit further, hoping nobody sees me. My heart beat faster, and faster. Until I had problem breathing. I was too nervous to confirm if that really was the right place. I went back. My legs were trembling. I stopped by the roadside, and tried to calm down.

I don't know why, but tears rolled down my cheeks. Too nervous? Or... Because I was hoping to see him again?

Calm down.

Him and Status

My cousin told me, while using my facebook account last night, she saw Ah B commented on my status. I checked my notification. Nop. Couldn't find his name. Took a deep breathe and typed his name on the search bar. Scrolled down his page slowly, afraid of missing anything. 

Disappointment. There was nothing. 

It's either my cousin my mistaken his name with other people's, or he commented and deleted. 

Don't worry

I'm not thinking about stupid things. 

Dream and Not him

Last night, I dreamed of him again. And it was another nightmare. We were texting, and he said he was with a girl, on a trip. Just the two of them. I could feel my heart screaming. Yes, even in my dream.

Went to Jenny's with my cousin this afternoon. I saw my friend's sister with her boyfriend. I always have this feeling that he somehow looks and feels like Mr B. When I saw him, my heart thumped as if that guy was him. They have the similar height, similar face, similar body size (*cough* except he is slimmer and fitter), similar hair style ( I meant the hair style before he went for a haircut.)

I saw him patting his girlfriend's head. And that reminded me of him again. He did that to me once. No, twice. Just by the way he looked at his girlfriend, I could tell that he loves her a lot. I am not envy of her, it's just that he reminds me of him.

If I make up my mind to forget about you

You'll be out of my life. 

Mom

My mom just asked me some questions just now. Those questions were what I wanted to ask too. My answer was simple, I don't know.

She said, you should make things clear. I kept quiet. Few minutes later, I said, he no longer likes me, there's no need for me to do that. She knew I was trying to avoid the topic but she continued. She wanted me to face the problem.

Forget about it. Or else you're the one who suffers. That was the last thing she said. I was calm. I didn't cry. Neither did I cry last night.





或许我已经对他没了感觉，留恋的只是那段无法从来的回忆。
或许我已经不再想起他，思念的只是那没能完成的遗憾。
或许我已经放下了他，放不下的只是那些回忆里的遗憾。

Curious again and Not ready

The way she replies my text, it's the same way he does whenever he texts me. It's the typical Mr B texting style. Thinking of what I saw last night, it hit me hard on my head. What does that thing has to do with me? Who am I to feel that way?

And then just now, I went to someone's profile and I saw his name. I moved the cursor, clicked and then I realized what I did. I thought, aiya.. I'm already here. Perhaps there wouldn't be anything interesting. When I scroll down, I saw this photo that someone tagged him. 

He was with a girl. A pretty girl. 

I couldn't move my eyes away from him. It shifted towards her, and back to him again. I couldn't tell what happen to my heart. It's so complicated inside that I didn't know what feeling was that. 

What I need now is silence. Don't feel like talking to anyone. I should go study now. That's the way I distract myself. 

Not now. Please. 

Curious and Pain

I shouldn't view that photo. I shouldn't think that I've gotten over it already. I shouldn't have been so curious.

*Bangs head against the wall*

I have been okay for the past few weeks. I could sleep without wet pillow. I did not think about him from time to time. I tried to occupy my time by studying. I did my best to forget about him, temporarily.

But what I just did had ruined everything. I didn't expect it to be like that. Until I saw STEP-PING. I felt my heart break.

GAHHH!!!


Someone slap me please.

Horror movie and Stuffs

After lunch on Thursday afternoon, we went to the student lounge and found it boring there. So we decided to watch horror movie. I've been wanting to watch Changi Hospital since I don't know when. After doing some searching, hugging our feet on the chair, we started watching. 

Angela, my twin and I were either holding something in our hands to cover half our face. (Why on earth did we even watch that in the first place?) Oh well, Shawnne and David joined us later. I felt lucky, because among the 5 of us, I was the only one who missed the part that the woman appeared on the screen. :D 

On Friday, we were supposed to go back home after Malaysian Studies. But thanks to the whatever career talk, we were forced to stay back. Our class ended at around 11.30am. Went for lunch with Jojo, Pau Fui, David and my twin. Headed back to school at 12 something. And we still have around 2 hours till the talk. We planned to watch horror movie again. But the line sucks. We ended up doing our Mathematics assignment. 

With half and hour left, David suggested to watch Insidious. Stopped halfway because we were late for the talk. The talk was damn boring. Yes, trust me. We were all half asleep. After the talk, it was still early. So we continued the movie. It was quite scary, for me. 

It's weird that as long as I watch horror movie, I will definitely wake up in the middle of the night. Flashback of the horror movie reminds me about everything I watched. And crap. I can't sleep. But after watching 2 horror movies, I still managed to sleep soundly, even with thunder last night. :) 

My mom insisted to go for breakfast at 福海大包. *pulls hair* Why? Because of that freaking road we must pass by in order to get to the shop. T-T You wouldn't be interested to know what happened on the road. So let's just skip. 

Trial exam. Is coming soon. I'm not ready. NOT ready. Gah, God bless me. 

What if I wouldn't let you go?

Dream

The girl was running towards a guy, excitedly. She wanted to give him a hug. Just a hug. But the guy backed off. He shook his head and said, no, please don't. The girl's smile was frozen. She heard her heart broken. She turned around and started to run. After running for a long time, she knelt down, hugged her leg and cried. Hoping for him to appear and give her a hug. But he didn't. 

5 months and Unfair

Time flies. Yeah seriously it does. One minute David was helping to send the first ever text for him. Another minute, 5 months passed.

12 May was a wonderful day. Heart racing, butterflies in stomach, hands trembling, smiling widely, we started texting. That was when I understand what happened to my heart. That night, I couldn't stop grinning to myself. My parents stared at me as if their daughter had gone crazy.

That feeling grew stronger day by day. I wasn't aware about it until something happened between us. I knew that there wouldn't be possibility for us to end up together, but I still throw myself into it. One day, someone told me, ah miaw, you're deeply in love. I wondered, am I? No. I am not. I denied. I didn't believe.

Things began to change. Distance between began to grow. Soon, that feeling of his faded. That was when I believed what he once said. Leaving me with all these regrets and tears.

5 months. But it seemed like everything just happened seconds ago. I always ask myself, what if he never appear in my life? What if I didn't choose to study in UCSI? Endless questions in my brains. But there is no answer.

I'm listening to his advice. "You should focus on your A-levels first." That was what he said. And I'm trying my best to do it.





Life is always unfair. At least for me, it is. I never was the lucky one. Not even once. I always try my best to satisfy people but they never seemed to notice. Since I was a kid, I was always the one sitting in the corner, seeing people being praised and all that. I have always wanted a praise, a sincere praise from someone. 


In fact, I will never be taken seriously. Accept the truth. This is fate. 

One more month and it's going to be half a year. 

Confession

Like what I said in the previous posts, my mom had been talking a lot to me lately. The same thing happened yesterday. I finally made up my mind, took a deep breathe and confessed to her.

She somehow seemed heart broken. I'm sorry, mom. I didn't mean to keep it from you. It's just that I didn't have the courage to tell you. I told her everything. I thought I could just tell her like I am okay, but I couldn't. Tears started rolling down when I told her what he said on beginning of September.

I'm really sorry mom. :'( I couldn't help it. She talked to me, gave me all sorts of opinion and advises, like a friend.


Just now, after I came back from piano class, she asked about him again. Before I told her about my story, she would jokingly mention about him and tease me about him. But just now, she asked with a frown on her face. I ruined his image in my mom's heart. My mom has bad impression on him. :'( Why is this happening? He is a good person. He's not to blame.

All these while, I was the one who is at fault. I started this thing. I shouldn't step into his life. My heart shouldn't feel that way when I saw him on the first day of school. Everything shouldn't have gone this way.

What if life has an U-turn?

Mom

Recently, I thought of telling my mom about him. I mean, like telling her that I like him. 

Why?

Because my mom had been talking to me, about finding a boyfriend. That morning, before going to school, she said, if you find someone who loves you, go for it. And if you miss that one chance, that's it. Right after she said that, as if someone stabbed my heart, it hurt. 

That line kept on repeating in my head. If you miss that one chance, that's it. It's like she knew everything and she's telling me that, yeah he doesn't belong to you my dear. TT-TT

Just now, while discussing about who's good looking, she asked, what about him? Without thinking, I answered, NO. She then asked me to show her his photo again. The urge of telling her that I like him became stronger, but then my dad came in. 

*mouth open but nothing comes out* 

Do you think I should tell her? Will she be sad, because I told her we were just friends but the truth is I like him? 

Mom, I like him. 

Virgo

I had been sharing articles about horoscope since May or June. Yes. I fall in love with the horoscope thingy after I stepped into his life. I hardly know anything about him. I foolishly thought that maybe by reading about his horoscope, I can get to know him better. Stupid enough?

As time goes by, I slowly got addicted to these thing. And it's kind of accurate. I mean, for my Taurus, it is accurate. Well, sometimes.

It's been some time since I stopped viewing about Virgo. I tried my best to avoid anything related to Virgo. But just now, after reading about Taurus, my brain told my fingers to scroll and click on Virgo. And I saw this.

【处女座怪癖，你有吗？】
3.容易喜欢上一个人，也容易厌烦；


处女座对于自己不喜欢的人基本上是三懒政策：

懒得搭理、懒得说话、懒得联系。是绝对真诚的小孩子，简单的不喜欢，但还是会敷衍别人说自己想谁也不耽搁谁。想顾全对方的面子，不知道如何拒绝对方，但也绝对不会接受。特别希望对方能看出自己做法的端详后就别理自己就好了


In my face.

I have untie the knot. 

Then and there

My mom suggested to go for breakfast at Jalan Abell. Sorry I forgot the name of that shop. As soon as she said that, I felt my heart screaming NOOO!

I have phobia using that road. I didn't want to recall anything that happened on that road months ago. On the way, I closed my eyes and tried to distract myself by listening to some songs. Failed. Those scenes played in my brain. I slapped myself, hard in the face thrice. That didn't help as well. In the end, I pulled the jacket over my face and let the tears flow like a running pipe.

Recently, I'm turning into a little monster. I cheated on someone. I lied to him. Saying things that I never expect myself to say.

I'm taking a revenge. 

To myself. 

Don't cry

It's another extraordinary night. That feeling is back. Feeling empty inside. Curling into a ball on the bed, hugging myself and trying not to cry. It's going to be a long night.

When will this come to an end?