Memories

Forever alone day

2012-02-16T06:48:00.000-08:00

Yeah 14 February was Forever Alone day for me. :D Haha. Wanted to join the so called "campaign" suggested by Maxdy but was too busy at campus so..

Oh well, someone ruined my mood that day. I had been living so well recently, but then he suddenly appeared again. I was so angry when I saw what he wrote. And I don't know why. Fine.

Late that night, I received this. :) So cute!

A Valentine gift from my dad. Say hi to Shelly. (Sounds like my name, I know.)

The feeling

it's still there.

reunion?

2012-02-12T02:51:00.000-08:00

They said it was a reunion, oh well. :)

A belated ~~birthday~~ celebration for Wan Er. Planned to watch Chronicle at first. But then we decided to just sing instead. We started to be jian as soon as we reached. Bought the cakes and brought it to K-box. Then bought a Valentine present for her. Ahahahaha. Wanted to embarrass her by asking her to bring it around The Spring without plastic bag or something. But thanks to someone I-don't-know-who, she got 2 plastic bags. One for Domo-kun and the other one for my love shaped soft toy.

Gathered at 11.30am I think? Went to Starbucks and let's see what we did to Hippo's wallet. RAWR.

Didn't know where we go for the 2 and a half hours. We ended up at Food Bazaar before heading to K-box.

In the room, everyone went crazy. With all the high pitched screaming, super low pitched noises and the oh-so-horrible singing. I think, if the next room was occupied, they would be very annoyed.

No cake smashing. Because we didn't want to waste the ~~cake~~ money. 3 hours full of laughter. Especially when Gorila started to sing. She could only sing properly to a few songs sang by Lee Hom.

Back home at 6pm. :D

It is still a lot more comfortable to be with you guys.

Love ya all.

Trust?

2012-02-09T07:28:00.001-08:00

I didn't except him to see the status. And he even liked it. Although it was unexpected, but I wasn't surprised or something. I thought that was all. But he text me and asked me about the status.

I explained to him. And he said something. Should I trust him? Will he do that same thing he did to me? Will it work this time? Am I going to fall again?

There are too many questions and things to consider.

I will prove that I won't.

Walk

2012-02-08T06:37:00.000-08:00

1 hour. I don't know what we talked about. Like always, he was the one who talked most of the time. All I did was just smile and listen. I am not the type who knows how to talk. I am usually the one who listen to people. Whenever friends tell me their problem, all I did was listen and try to give some advice.

Sometimes, I blame myself for being too quiet. But what to do?

So yeah. We stood outside and talked for an hour, with Jojo walking here and there all the time. He is mature, or should I say he seemed mature. The way he says thing and the way he thinks.

My mom was so funny this afternoon. I was speechless when she asked me about his family. My mom is overreacting. *shake head*

He replied someone's text as soon as he turned around.

Book Voucher

2012-02-04T07:29:00.000-08:00

I spent RM150 out of the RM200 book voucher. :) I was so excited this morning. Haha. I couldn't stop smiling. And my mom gave me 'that face'.

The most kek tiok part is that, while queueing to pay for the stuffs at Tun Jugah Popular, I saw a book at the New Arrivals section. The queue was long so I started to read. That book was awesome but I put it back and thought of buying it at Boulevard Popular since my mom said she wanted to go there.

Oh well, when I got to Boulevard Popular, I COULDN'T FIND IT.

*clenching fists*

2nd semester

2012-02-01T02:24:00.000-08:00

Oh Mama. 2nd semester is a very very short semester. So the lecturers are trying to finish all the syllabus in 2 and a half months time? And after that we are going to sit for the trial exam, followed by the Edexcel exam.

T^T MAMIII!!

2nd semester is a lot different from the 1st. I thought 1st semester was like hell, then what is 2nd semester? We enjoyed throughout the 7 months during 1st semester. >.< But now?

Okay, get back to homework. Bye.

Guy

2012-01-30T06:03:00.000-08:00

He's hot he's hot he's hot he's hot!

Did you just say that the guy up there is hot?

YES! And I mean it! HE IS FREAKING HOT! Nah, there's nothing wrong with my eyes. Eddie Cahill, as Don Flack in CSI : NY.

The first photo up there was him in Season 1. The hair. -.-

And when I started watching Season 2, I saw this super cute guy. I was like, did they change the cast? No wait, he IS Flack. OH HE CUT HIS HAIR!

Ngaiti, he became another person after the haircut! Gosh he is so hot! And he has blue eyes. <3

Oh right, I started watching CSI before exam. I had a sudden urge to watch this. Yeah from Season 1. And fyi, they are broadcasting Season 8 already. *facepalm*

I don't care! I am so interested in Forensic Science after watching this. So I did some research on the related course. People were complaining that they couldn't find a job after they graduated. And there is this person who is so willing to offer help. So I email her. Asked her some questions and got the answer I've wanted. :D

Last thing,

Eddie Cahill is hot.

Guest

2012-01-29T07:34:00.000-08:00

A friend said he wanted to visit my house since yesterday. I was like, oh no.. what are we going to talk about? Our relationship is only like see-each-other-smile-and-say-hi type. Furthermore, I am the unsociable type.

I went to my aunt's place for dinner, and he couldn't make it to my house at night. So he said he will come today. And so, he did.

I walked out of my house after I received his text. The next minute, I saw a guy. He walked to my house. SO NEAR!

Yeah. Since primary school, my friends said that their houses are near mine. And I never know. *slaps* Sorry la, who knows where other people stay? *only you dono lo...* Ok fine.

Oh well, we started talking at around 8.30pm. Most of the time, he was the one talking. I was just nodding, saying ya, smiling and that's all. Haha, luckily he knows how to talk, or else it's gonna be very awkward. *crows flying*

He went home at 10 something. *nod nod* 2 hours chat. He seemed quiet but to be honest, he isn't. I enjoy talking to him. Because I wasn't the one talking. *evil laugh*

Life is full of unexpected things.

CNY

2012-01-28T04:31:00.000-08:00

It's the 6th day of cny already.

*fireworks outside* Why do these people like fireworks so much?!

Okay, back to the topic. A minute ago, it was cny eve. A minute later.. Gosh, time please slow down a bit. I can hardly catch up. And 4 months later, I'm going to sit for my 2nd Edexcel exam. T^T mamiii ah!

I went out of topic again. -.- CNY CNY!

So, first day. Went to my grandma's house, late usual. Thanks to my brother who couldn't get up from bed. Had our brunch there. And next stop was my 2nd uncle's, followed up my little aunt's. It's the same every year. And then, waited for my father side relatives at night.

What we usually do :D

2nd day. We went to my eldest uncle's place.

With her again.

My place, with her again.

3rd day. Uhm... Seriously, I don't remember where I went on this day and the following days as well. I have bad memory, remember?

Okay, 4th day. I remember this. Last 5sc1 came to my house. I didn't join because I was going to visit my relatives. I miss you guys! And the worst part was, I forgot about the group photo. FML!

And for today, I feel REALLY guilty for someone. No wait, for the 2 of them. Lilian Lau and Envira Lee. Liang moi sekalian, I am really sorry I couldn't make it. I promised my cousin to help her out today. And she wouldn't let me go. >.< You can do whatever you want to me when we meet next time!

Shawnne's place.

I forgot about family photo. And then I finally remember about it at the airport.

Proves my bad memory again.

Da ga da ga. First family photo after they got married. :)

As for me, he is leaving on February. I don't know which day, and I am not curious. So I am not gonna ask him about it. :) I'M BACK TO NORMAL! :D

But now, I think I'm doing something ridiculous, something which I swear I'm gonna regret. I'm trying to take a revenge. To do something that he once did to me. To make him feel how I felt.

I can do it. Yes, I can do it!

Decision

2012-01-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

Did I just do something stupid? Did I just say yes to something that I shouldn't? Did I just make the same mistake again?

Was it the right decision, or just being stubborn? I just agreed to go out with him. And the worst part is, the date. *grab hair and pull*

I have no idea what happen to my brain. I think it stopped functioning the second I typed OKAY.

Deep deep breathe.

Okay, nothing more than just friends.

Anyway, it's first day of CNY

random shot. *smile*

Happy Chinese New Year everyone :)

Dragon Year

2012-01-22T08:44:00.000-08:00

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!

Wait. How does a dragon sound? Anyway, it's Dragon Year this year.

Reunion Dinner. It's tonight. I'm too lazy to type, so there will only be photos for today. I promise, just today.

*drools* I'm hungry now. *patting stomach*

Happy Birthday everyone.

Opps, I meant

Happy CNY guys!

It's over

2012-01-19T07:26:00.000-08:00

*sigh of relief*

Finally, my nightmare is over. :) But there's still something to worry about. The resul.. Ok STOP!

I think I somehow screwed my Biology 1 and Chemistry 1. Oh well, I thought I prepared enough. I THOUGHT.

The night before my first paper, I was so nervous. And I couldn't sleep. The next day, I felt butterflies in my stomach.

After the first paper, everybody seemed to have the so confident face. Me? Oh God, I don't want re-sit! T^T Yeah, a lot of our seniors re-sit the paper. Which was part of the reason why I became more nervous.

Edexcel is cruel.

Math was alright. Hoping to see an A.

Ok done with exam stuff. Let's move on to CNY. :)

I dyed my hair. (lilian, please don scream.) I had a dilemma while choosing the colours. I got back to my car and asked my mom to choose for me. So in the end I got this.

Well, the colour is not obvious. And mom is complaining about the colour. I was trying to save money, mom.

Yesterday, after my Biology 2 (uh, back to exam again), I went straight for our family's big reunion dinner.
It's my uncle's birthday, to be exact. But the elders had forbidden us from using that word, so reunion dinner it is.

I was only in time for this. Butter Prawn.

My cousin and her boyfriend. Peace. And the rest of the family.

Chinese new year. 3 more days. I have no idea why am I so excited for cny this year. The after exam mood maybe?

End and Start

2011-12-31T09:18:00.000-08:00

2011 is over, in a glimpse of an eye. A lot had happened on 2011, something precious yet unwilling to be remembered.

Time flies, that's true. Looking back, it was 19th April when I started college life, and that was when the story started. For 8 months, I have that feeling with me. But there was only 1 month or 2 that really matters, because that was when things seemed perfect, and that was when I felt great to be alive. :)

After 8 months of torture and tears, I finally made up my mind to forget. To live a new life without him. It isn't that bad, after all. Because when you get used to your current life, you wouldn't feel anything.

I read an article today. This was what the author wrote, if a guy really likes you, he wouldn't just flirt with you. He will be honest, because he likes you. This is so true. Yeah, guys flirt around because they're searching for someone better. So girls, don't let guys have the chance to flirt with you. :D

Anyway, it's the starting of a new year. Like what I said, 2011 was a great year. I met someone special, someone irreplaceable (well, maybe someday there will be someone who can replace him?), someone who taught me to be tough. So, hopefully by 2012, I will meet someone better than him.

Btw, horoscope says that Taurus are going to end their single life on 2012. Let's see if it's true. *arms folded*

He wished me a Happy New Year

I felt like crying

But that's not gonna change anything. :)

Late

2011-12-29T22:14:00.000-08:00

Miss me? Yeah I know. :)

Too lazy to type, let the pictures do the talking.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

Chatime. A must to try :)

Haha, my brother put them on the dining chair. Can you see ChaCha?

Le mini trolley. :D

Watched Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 with my brother and sister in law.

Theodore is sooooooooooooooooo cute.

*touch touch*

On 24th night, Twin and Angela fetch me at the airport, and we went to The Spring. Countdown. :3 Haha. We were too bored that we did silly things.

FIREEEEEEUUUUUAAAK!

First semester examination is in 2 weeks time. *count with fingers* No wait, less than that. Screw myself. BYEEE

Korea

2011-12-23T06:12:00.000-08:00

Someone *cough* is on the way to Korea. :( Hmm.. Should be on the plane now. Heading to Incheon International Airport. D:

*Le me imagining myself on the plane as well.* :3 Just bear with me.

*Le me imagining him going to SM Entertainment, seeing Yunho.* NUUUUH! I'm so gonna splash some pink paint or scratch that 8086!

*banging my head on the wall for being so... silly!*

*tears all over the face, waving at the plane with a tissue in the hand*

Bon voyage :)

Heehh

2011-12-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

We chat again. For a long time. :) We talked about a lot of things. From him going Korea to Yunho and Changmin, and at last about studies.

He seemed to be a quiet person, like what David said, without Allan beside him, he will just keep quiet. But after chatting with him, I found that he is a nice person. *blush*

*slap* stop dreaming.

OKAY FINE. Anyways. We are still chatting. :3 And I know this is not good.

我希望那种感觉只是欣赏

Alvin and the chipmunks 3

2011-12-21T09:44:00.000-08:00

Went to watch this just now. :) Awesome. Haha. Alvin, the trouble causing one. Simon, the smart one. And Theodore, the cute one, as always. AWW. I died when Theodore said, "it's dark." with the cutest face ever!

Okay, not gonna be a spoiler. But there's one last thing, I MUST say. ALVIN IS SO HANDSOME IN THE END!!

Alright. Done.

And about the pink guy. *cough* Le twin, stop calling people breast cancer guy. That sounds wrong. Oh, about what happened yesterday. I asked him to vote for the Samsung contest yesterday. That was when we started to chat, or should I say it was me? Oh well, we did chat for a while. The conversation ended after... 30 minutes or so?

Today, the first thing that came to my mind when I got up was, OH I CHAT WITH HIM LAST NIGHT. And I was like, shit. I shouldn't let this happen! And I texted Angela.

Just now, I asked him to vote again. And he did. The conversation died. I was hoping that he would bring up a topic. But I knew what was gonna happen. Nothing.

Girl

You are not going to let it happen

No more

GASP

2011-12-20T09:20:00.000-08:00

Am I dreaming?

*slap*

Ouch. Hey! I'm not dreaming!! OH MY GOSH! OH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Guess what I did. I. I. I. I. I CHAT WITH HIM!! *poke fingers* *pulls hair and runs in circle*

Who?

321.2. :3 I chat with him. *flying*

KL

2011-12-14T00:50:00.000-08:00

Going to KL tomorrow. Don't miss me T__T *waves*

*slap*

Recalling what happened on 9.6.11. Starting to miss the relationship between him and me back then. Our flight that day delayed. And it was him who accompanied me. Now, am praying for the plane to be on time. Please, don't delay.

Leaving

Forget about things related to him

For the time being.

That feeling

2011-12-12T05:37:00.000-08:00

When people is packing to go Hong Kong, I packed to go somewhere that I'm fed up of. She is excited, to be on the plane for 5 hours, to go overseas, to visit a place where she had never been, to feel the cool breeze and wear thick sweaters. She is ordering people do things when someone else had to stay at where she shouldn't be.

You thought that I didn't want to go? You thought that we were able to go but we refused to? You thought that I wanted to see you being excited while what I can do now is to cry and see you fly off tomorrow?

Yes, you have to sleep earlier because you have an early flight tomorrow. But can you at least put yourself in my shoes and try to feel how I felt since the day I knew your family booked the tickets? What if I was the one leaving, how would you feel?

bon voyage

Can't believe and Last

2011-12-08T01:52:00.001-08:00

I couldn't believe I did that.

*GASP* WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Calm down. Just something .. After Biology quiz yesterday, Shawnne went back home leaving David, Angela and me at school. We da bao at SCC and went to lounge. I.. chose to.. park beside.. *cough* The white Myvi. *runs in circle*

And I... suddenly had this idea of snapping a photo of that yellow angry bird in his car. (Btw, I have a red one in my car too!) And so, I did. :3

We were watching The Thing while eating. And fyi, The Thing is really disgusting. But if you like gross thing, don't hesitate to watch. Around 12.30pm, I went to my car and.. T_T That white Myvi was no longer there.

*CRY OUT LOUD*

Today. I didn't expect them to be there. But then I saw Wendy and I started to look forward to the ceremony. :) David and I went down to the Auditorium and we saw him. David was so supportive. He took my camera, went to him and snapped a photo of him. THANK YOU DABID!!

He looks handsome today. WHEN IS HE NOT?! Okay fine. Yes he IS handsome EVERYDAY! And I noticed something. When I peeped, I saw him looking at me. *squeal*

*cover mouth* No he didn't!

Anyway, I got so excited when someone talked to Angela over the phone. ;) I was like, OMG OMG OMG OMG!! ANGELA IS SO GONNA BE HIGH!!!! But in the end, I was the one who went crazy. Sia soi in front of the white myvi owner.

*face palm*

We didn't go home after the ceremony. David and I met Angela at Life Cafe. Spent 2 hours or so there, chat about everything. And spent almost one hour in Angela's car.

I didn't feel like going home, so I drove to ... that house. Things seemed different today. I was unusually calm. Maybe it's because I know he isn't in Kuching. I saw the blue car. And another car beside his. The heart wasn't beating as fast as I thought it would.

回家的路上，我答应自己

那真的是最后一次了

Hong Kong

2011-12-07T04:17:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, our biology lecturer, Miss Tan told us that we wouldn't be having class on Thursday. It's A-levels Award Day and Graduation Ceremony. Which means I'm going to see him again? My friends said that the Graduation Ceremony isn't for their batch.

I thought, what's the point to avoid? He didn't even care to text me or something after he saw me. Yes I knew he saw me. But he didn't do anything. My mom was right. He is weird. After all those things that happened, we pretended to be strangers. Or was it because of me, that's why he's acting like that?

Didn't have the mood to study, I clicked on Facebook and scroll down the Homepage. I saw that red elmo profile picture. As usual, my heart skipped a beat. The status said that he was with his sister at Fairview Park. He's now at Hong Kong. Once again, it reminded me of what he told me months ago. Those texts.

I clicked on his profile picture. No doubt, most of them were about the games he played. But one of them caught my attention. That was a conversation between him and his friend. He said he's going to UK 2 and a half years later. 30 months. Seems long but in a blink of an eye, he will be leaving Kuching.

He was at Kuching Airport yesterday morning. Which means, he was at the Sabah's airport when I was worrying about stupid things. Silly me. And now he's probably having fun in Hong Kong. :)

我终于明白别人说的

我们是两个不同世界的人

那些日子

2011-12-04T06:48:00.000-08:00

曾经，那个女孩认为自己终于找到了那个他。认为自己终于找到一个可以陪自己吃饭，聊天，看电影的那个他。认为自己的手终于找到可以十指紧扣的另一只手。

可是，有一天那个他离开了。他说：“ 我曾经喜欢你，但是现在... 对不起。” 那一刻，女孩忍住了泪水，安静的承受，把一切吞了下来。她告诉自己，没关系的，总有一天，一切都会好起来的。

可是时间久了，她发现自己不但丝毫没有放下，反而越陷越深，心一天比一天的痛。只要身边的人提起那个他，女孩就会想逃避，心更是一阵的刺痛。摸摸胸口告诉自己，“ 别想。” 可是到了晚上，看着他送的礼物，眼泪就会不争气的夺眶而出。

已经多久了，他们没有联络？已经多少个夜晚，从睡梦中被那撕裂般的痛惊醒？她是多么的想念他们互聊心事的日子。她非常清楚，那些日子怎么也回不来了。因为再过两个月，他就会离开了。到那个时候，女孩还会不会继续固执下去，还会不会不断的往回看？

曾经她也相信爱的存在，相信童话里的终成眷属，相信凡事都会有美好的结局。但是她错了，而且错得很离谱。因为人生根本没有所谓的童话故事，童话故事只是为了让小孩不害怕面对这残忍的世界。

一天，朋友约了女孩。聊了许久，朋友说，你变了。变得不再像以前那般活泼，快乐。现在的你，像刺猬。为了保护自己，把别人拒之于外。只要有什么事情，你就会开始攻击别人，让别人难以靠近你，让别人觉得你好冷酷。以前就算你受伤了，也不会像现在这样完全把自己封闭起来，让人难以猜测。

自从那个他离开以后，女孩就开始在自己与身边的人之间建起一道墙。因为她害怕再次受伤害。久而久之，身边的朋友逐渐远离她，她却一点也不在乎，心里想着，“ 他们也都像他一样离开了。” 女孩一直认为自己伪装得很好，只要每天和朋友打打闹闹，每天逼着自己笑就好了。但是就连身边的朋友都没有察觉，他却发现了。

要怎么样才能在再次看到他时心平气和，心跳不再加速，可以脸带微笑走上前去问，“ 最近好吗？”　要怎么样才可以从那阴影走出来，尝试接受那个比自己还了解自己的他？

呵，应该不容易吧？

后悔的并不是爱上你

而是把事实告诉你

如果当初没有说出口

或许你现在还会在我身边

So close

2011-12-01T23:21:00.001-08:00

Don't drive when you can't think properly.

Thanks girls.

And sorry for being a coward when you guys were trying to encourage me.

I really couldn't do it.

Wrong T-T

2011-12-01T03:42:00.001-08:00

I. had. just. clicked. into. her. profile. and. saw. something. I. shouldn't. see.

DAMN IT.

*SLAPS*

Great. I can't study now.

T_T

Sunny Hills

2011-12-01T02:17:00.001-08:00

It reminded me, again. This time, the flashbacks were so clear and real that I hoped the person sitting beside me, driving, was him. I know I should slap myself for thinking about him. But what to do? Every time, as long as there's something related to him, my mind wanders and there he is, showing up again.

"Will it be weird if I ask how many ex do you have?"

That topic stopped when we reached school. I can still remember every word he said that afternoon. Every single line.

I could give up anything just to get back to those times, to let him sit beside me and talk like we've known each other for years. Or even to make him mine.

Him

2011-11-28T21:50:00.001-08:00

When he told me that he was in school, my heart went out of control. I don't know what happened inside, but I know I couldn't breathe properly.

I didn't have the courage to look into bistro because i know he was in there. I just walked pass. I didn't feel alright. Not at all. Always thinking, why didn't I look inside? I just missed the chance to see him. Why?

When we came back to school, he was still there. That blue thing was still there. I couldn't breathe, again. That feeling is still there. Strong feeling. Shawnne reversed, and then i saw him in the car. I could hardly see him. He started the car, and there he went, out of the main gate. Without any conversation. Not even a text.

Yes

I miss him.

Christmas

2011-11-28T05:10:00.001-08:00

It's only near end of November, and there's christmas decorations everywhere, christmas song playing everywhere.

My family don't really celebrate Christmas, but I am always so excited whenever Christmas is near. :)

And guess what, I used to believe in the existence of Santa. But it turned out that my dad was the Santa.

Some photos to share.

Trial

2011-11-25T22:46:00.001-08:00

HUGA HUGA! I'm back! *waves from a far*

*applause*

Hoi! Enough! Yeah right. Just finish my trial. And guess what, I almost screwed all the papers. Chemistry. *sigh and shake head* I think Miss Kho expected it. Before the trial she asked if I could at least get a B. Not knowing if I could hit the target, I nodded my head.

In the end, what happened? During the Unit 1 exam, I was like hell no! Miss Kho is going to be disappointed. T_T And yes I was right. After the last paper, I asked her how was my Chemistry. She smiled and said I expected that.

Someone kill me please? I really want to improve my chemistry. At least a B?

Biology. Okay I guess. :X no wait. I shouldn't say that. Forget about what I said. :) And Math was like hell. MR ANDREW CHAI!!! You better not be our math lecturer for the coming semester.

So yeah. I know I'm going to be really disappointed with myself when I get back my papers. Sobs.

One thing that makes me forget about the miserable exam life : Christmas. Ding ding dong! With christmas songs playing everywhere. Christmas trees. Snowman. I'm having the christmas feel already. What is more, TVXQ IS GOING TO RELEASE A CHRISTMAS ALBUM ON THIS COMING 30TH! Uknow. :3

pink

2011-11-16T04:17:00.001-08:00

Hey there peepohs! I am alive again. Yes I know I haven't even started my trials yet. And I do care a lot for those bloody 6 piece of papers.

I am trying my best to concentrate on my studies. BUT I FAILED. Every time I read Chemistry, that freaking image of him appears. Screw myself.

*slaps*

He told me to focus on A-levels. So yeah I am doing what he said. Trying to leave everything behind, including him. No, I meant what I wanted to throw away is him. Just him. Nothing else. It's been more than a month since we last chatted. Every night, lying on the bed, with Xiao Bai sitting silently beside me. All I could remember was what happened. I no longer remember his face, nor his voice. And to be honest, I miss him a lot. I could give up anything just to see him again. But I knew for sure that, nothing's gonna happen by then. I would definitely just hide behind something and ....

Recently, since I-don't-know-when, I become so happy when I see this particular someone. Haha. David teased me in front of Miss Kho and she smiled suspiciously. *facepalm* To make things clear, I swear it is not the way you thought it is. NO. NUH. It's just that the adrenaline rush thingy going inside of me, like maybe one day I have the chance to see Uknow, the same thing is going to happen! *O.O!!!!!* KYA Uknow!

The pink guy

*smiles*

I guess he loves pink?

sunny hill

2011-11-10T05:18:00.001-08:00

Sunny Hill. Ice cream. That parking spot. That blue car. In front of the cashier. The tray. Those books that he told me about. That question he asked. The back-to-college road. Everything.

And those memories caused tears.

I still remember.

The flavour of ice cream for that day

Strawberry.

dream and 321.2

2011-11-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

321.2. Yeap that was an embarrassing incident. And makes it worst is that I had been dreaming of him for 3 nights in a row. Different dream. People say you dream of what you thought in the day. So I guess it is right. I think about him because I am searching for someone to replace him. Whenever I think about those stupid things, and before tears started to accumulate, I change target. I. ish. bad. I know.

So yeah, he was in my dream. That didn't mean anything, right? I know I shouldn't fall for the same mistake again. And most importantly, the feeling isn't the same.

My blog had been dead for like a week or so? I think there will not be frequent update starting this month as trial is around the corner. P.S. There's only 2 weeks left. And I haven't really started my revision. I'm so dead. Till then. :)

Life without you isn't so bad after all.

Her wedding and His wedding

2011-10-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's my neighbour sister's wedding today. It's a Sunday. A few months ago, my brother's wedding, it's on Sunday as well. And that Sunday was an unforgettable Sunday. A day that unexpected things happened. I promised myself not to think about him but what to do? I still did.

I could still remember what exactly happened on that day. He came to my house at around 1pm. We sat on the sofa, with pairs of eyes staring at us. He was texting, as usual. But he smiled when we was talking to me. And I still remember that my heart felt warm sitting next to him.

After like half and hour or so, he drove me out. That was the part that kills me every time I think about it. Yeah. I thought about it today. What made it worst was that we went to Sunny Hill for ice cream. I sat at where he sat on that scorching hot afternoon. He was sweating like always. He told me about the books he read. Uh huh. He likes books. A lot. On the way back to school, he asked me something weird, and he told me about some of his story.

Everything that happen today reminds me of him. The wedding. The ice cream. The wedding dinner. Everything. During the dinner, I meant months ago on my brother's wedding, he text me. Talking about random stuff. Just now while texting David, I thought, wouldn't it be great if it was him?

I swear I will not think about him after today

GCT and Over

2011-10-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

GCT - Green Chemistry Talk. Yesterday, it was. Early in the morning, we sat for our mid-term Malaysian Studies exam. I completely the paper within 15 minutes. Handed in the papers, left the room, headed to the library for revision.

I wondered, why do I always choose to go to the library when there's still other choices like where my twin went, the lounge? I found the answer. In fact, that place was where the story began. And that was where the story ended. I foolishly thought that, maybe that place could make me feel closer to him.

Went out for lunch, as usual the 5 of us. Asian Recipe. Fried rice with salted fish. Nom. Salty. Oh ya. Went to Korean Products. Ahaha. My twin and I decided to solve lunch problem there next time.

2.00pm. My twin and I were selected to be the usher. Well, we didn't do anything besides laughing. I'm really sorry, Stephanie and Wendy. Wasn't really paying attention to the talk because we had attended some of their rehearsal.

David and Angela. The April 2011 representatives.

Miss Kho with her Iphone.

This guy was carrying the fire extinguisher around.

Bored.

321.2 Haha.

Then, my twin and I got so bored that we started to capture these.

Group Photo. *smile*

Got back my phone yesterday afternoon. No message from him. I felt disappointed. Sorry, I know I shouldn't feel that way. So last night in the bathroom, I thought, it has been 4 months since the day I decided to give up. Hoping for miracle to happen. I think it's time for me to wake up, face the truth and accept it. It's over.

Phone and House

2011-10-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

I left my phone in Ting Ying's bag this afternoon. So, it's not with me now. I don't know why but I was kind of relieved when I came back home without my phone. But everything changed after dinner.

Went to Hock Lee after dinner. Me, sitting at the back row seat, having butterflies in my stomach, because we passed by his house. I couldn't help but stared at that house. I closed my eyes, tried not to think about anything related to him. But I couldn't.

What is it that causes all the tears?

Him and School

2011-10-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

He went to school today.

During Chemistry class, I saw someone wearing black T, someone who is so familiar, someone who make my heart beat faster immediately after seeing him, walking pass our class. He didn't see me I guess, or he didn't but he didn't care.

David said, did you see him? Yes, I saw him but I denied. Sorry David. I was trying to protect myself. I lied to myself. I couldn't concentrate after that. I laughed and joked with them. But I didn't know why was I laughing.

Yes, it is still there. The feeling. It is still with me. But I bet it no longer matters to him.

I told my mom. She asked, did he look into the class? No. He didn't. Right? He doesn't care anymore. He no longer bothers to text me saying that he's in school. That's it. I am the one who couldn't accept the truth. I could go around and advice people to let go but what happen to me?

I am so guilty right now. Because I am somehow hurting someone's feeling. I text this person whenever I feel sad. It's like I'm making use of him. I know he is serious and I still kind of give him hope. This is really bad. :(

Tears under the shower

撑．不住

2011-10-26T05:55:00.001-07:00

在浴室里

任由花洒利落的洒在后背上

双手抱脚

把头埋在膝间

尽情的

放声大哭

Chemistry notes

2011-10-25T08:07:00.000-07:00

This was what he drew.

:'(

Again and them

2011-10-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

Told Shawnne about what I did yesterday during Biology class. I said I wanted to go back but I'm afraid.. er. *cough*. So she said she would drive. :) Shawnne! FTW!!

Class today was fun as usual. Miss Tan. Ouh ya. Never mentioned about her. She is our new lecturer. She is so nice, patient and everything. And most of all she is good in teaching. She likes to give assignment, and for us to present. But thanks to her, I'm no longer nervous to talk in front of the class. No wait. The next time should be an exception. Because. Miss tan. INVITED THE UNIT 5 & 6 SENIORS AS WELL. Oh great.

Chemistry class. Miss Kho was so headache because none, NONE of us did her homework. Spent the 1 and a half hour doing and discussing the pass year.

Lunch time. David, Shawnne, twin and I went to 3rd mile for curry rice. After that, we went to... *cough*. (Ok, I know Lilian Lau is going to say that I'm stalking again. xD) The same thing happened. My heart. Beat. Fast. Let's not talk about this. Next, we went to Mund square's house. And David's house. So that we know where to go during CNY.

On the way back to school, Shawnne suddenly grabbed my hand and shouted, AH! I forget to buy baby clothes! So we headed to 101. Reached there, TUTUP. -_- I saw the Pet Passion shop. We went there and have a look. GOSH!! There were so many dogs in there. The girls got so excited when we saw the Poodles. So cute!! And of course the Siberian Husky. T^T It makes me miss Snowy. Before leaving, there was this customer who brought his pet dog there, a Miniature Schnauzer. Same colour as Yoyo, but SO MUCH quieter than her. Back to school after that.

Since the very beginning, there was Ju Ju, Ah B, Xiao Huang and Mund mund. We never expected much. They were all so confident that mine would be a happy ending or something. But in the end, see what happen to me? We suspected something would happen to twin and xiao huang. But she denied and refused to believe. Now, see what is happening to them?

This morning, Angela told me that she somehow doesn't feel sad when he ignores her. Her aunt said maybe it's because she's over him already. I don't know if she's telling the truth. Maybe inside of her, she's not feeling the same way. Or maybe she IS telling the truth. I'm not saying that she lied on purpose, it's just that some people chose not to face it, like me. If that really was how she felt, that would be great. I want to say, Angela, you are over him already. :)

As for Shawnne, I think she can still try a bit. There's still chance. We will never know if there's a possibility until that person says no. Yes, it does hurt to get the negative answer. But if you never try, you will not get the positive answer.

I don't know why did I insisted to go to that place. Maybe it's because I can give up after that? Or maybe it's because I wanted it to be fair, as he knows where is my house but I don't know his? Or.. because I was trying to shorten the distance between us?

This is the first time I couldn't get over someone for such a long time. Before this, I said I couldn't forget, but after a few months, it no longer affects me. I know, if i make up my mind to forget about him, I can. I guarantee within one month, he will be out of my life. But I chose not to. And I don't know why. Someone out there, please, anyone who understands me, please tell me what is happening to me?

One day

It will all be gone.

Urge and Thump

2011-10-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

After the meeting for Green Chemistry Talk, it was still early ( around 3.15pm? ). I had a sudden urge of doing something *cough*.

Heart beating fast, I drove to that unfamiliar place. Driving slowly, searching for a sign of it. I turned back when I knew I went the wrong way. I drove straight into one of the road, to the end. I didn't find anything. Feeling disappointed, I reversed. When I was about to leave, I saw that familiar number.

No, wait. This is it! I drove a bit further, hoping nobody sees me. My heart beat faster, and faster. Until I had problem breathing. I was too nervous to confirm if that really was the right place. I went back. My legs were trembling. I stopped by the roadside, and tried to calm down.

I don't know why, but tears rolled down my cheeks. Too nervous? Or... Because I was hoping to see him again?

Calm down.

Him and Status

2011-10-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

My cousin told me, while using my facebook account last night, she saw Ah B commented on my status. I checked my notification. Nop. Couldn't find his name. Took a deep breathe and typed his name on the search bar. Scrolled down his page slowly, afraid of missing anything.

Disappointment. There was nothing.

It's either my cousin my mistaken his name with other people's, or he commented and deleted.

Don't worry

I'm not thinking about stupid things.

Dream and Not him

2011-10-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

Last night, I dreamed of him again. And it was another nightmare. We were texting, and he said he was with a girl, on a trip. Just the two of them. I could feel my heart screaming. Yes, even in my dream.

Went to Jenny's with my cousin this afternoon. I saw my friend's sister with her boyfriend. I always have this feeling that he somehow looks and feels like Mr B. When I saw him, my heart thumped as if that guy was him. They have the similar height, similar face, similar body size (*cough* except he is slimmer and fitter), similar hair style ( I meant the hair style before he went for a haircut.)

I saw him patting his girlfriend's head. And that reminded me of him again. He did that to me once. No, twice. Just by the way he looked at his girlfriend, I could tell that he loves her a lot. I am not envy of her, it's just that he reminds me of him.

If I make up my mind to forget about you

You'll be out of my life.

Mom

2011-10-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

My mom just asked me some questions just now. Those questions were what I wanted to ask too. My answer was simple, I don't know.

She said, you should make things clear. I kept quiet. Few minutes later, I said, he no longer likes me, there's no need for me to do that. She knew I was trying to avoid the topic but she continued. She wanted me to face the problem.

Forget about it. Or else you're the one who suffers. That was the last thing she said. I was calm. I didn't cry. Neither did I cry last night.

或许我已经对他没了感觉，留恋的只是那段无法从来的回忆。
或许我已经不再想起他，思念的只是那没能完成的遗憾。
或许我已经放下了他，放不下的只是那些回忆里的遗憾。

Curious again and Not ready

2011-10-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

The way she replies my text, it's the same way he does whenever he texts me. It's the typical Mr B texting style. Thinking of what I saw last night, it hit me hard on my head. What does that thing has to do with me? Who am I to feel that way?

And then just now, I went to someone's profile and I saw his name. I moved the cursor, clicked and then I realized what I did. I thought, aiya.. I'm already here. Perhaps there wouldn't be anything interesting. When I scroll down, I saw this photo that someone tagged him.

He was with a girl. A pretty girl.

I couldn't move my eyes away from him. It shifted towards her, and back to him again. I couldn't tell what happen to my heart. It's so complicated inside that I didn't know what feeling was that.

What I need now is silence. Don't feel like talking to anyone. I should go study now. That's the way I distract myself.

Not now. Please.

Curious and Pain

2011-10-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't view that photo. I shouldn't think that I've gotten over it already. I shouldn't have been so curious.

*Bangs head against the wall*

I have been okay for the past few weeks. I could sleep without wet pillow. I did not think about him from time to time. I tried to occupy my time by studying. I did my best to forget about him, temporarily.

But what I just did had ruined everything. I didn't expect it to be like that. Until I saw STEP-PING. I felt my heart break.

GAHHH!!!

Someone slap me please.

Horror movie and Stuffs

2011-10-16T04:15:00.000-07:00

After lunch on Thursday afternoon, we went to the student lounge and found it boring there. So we decided to watch horror movie. I've been wanting to watch Changi Hospital since I don't know when. After doing some searching, hugging our feet on the chair, we started watching.

Angela, my twin and I were either holding something in our hands to cover half our face. (Why on earth did we even watch that in the first place?) Oh well, Shawnne and David joined us later. I felt lucky, because among the 5 of us, I was the only one who missed the part that the woman appeared on the screen. :D

On Friday, we were supposed to go back home after Malaysian Studies. But thanks to the whatever career talk, we were forced to stay back. Our class ended at around 11.30am. Went for lunch with Jojo, Pau Fui, David and my twin. Headed back to school at 12 something. And we still have around 2 hours till the talk. We planned to watch horror movie again. But the line sucks. We ended up doing our Mathematics assignment.

With half and hour left, David suggested to watch Insidious. Stopped halfway because we were late for the talk. The talk was damn boring. Yes, trust me. We were all half asleep. After the talk, it was still early. So we continued the movie. It was quite scary, for me.

It's weird that as long as I watch horror movie, I will definitely wake up in the middle of the night. Flashback of the horror movie reminds me about everything I watched. And crap. I can't sleep. But after watching 2 horror movies, I still managed to sleep soundly, even with thunder last night. :)

My mom insisted to go for breakfast at 福海大包. *pulls hair* Why? Because of that freaking road we must pass by in order to get to the shop. T-T You wouldn't be interested to know what happened on the road. So let's just skip.

Trial exam. Is coming soon. I'm not ready. NOT ready. Gah, God bless me.

What if I wouldn't let you go?

Dream

2011-10-13T04:48:00.000-07:00

The girl was running towards a guy, excitedly. She wanted to give him a hug. Just a hug. But the guy backed off. He shook his head and said, no, please don't. The girl's smile was frozen. She heard her heart broken. She turned around and started to run. After running for a long time, she knelt down, hugged her leg and cried. Hoping for him to appear and give her a hug. But he didn't.

5 months and Unfair

2011-10-13T04:27:00.000-07:00

Time flies. Yeah seriously it does. One minute David was helping to send the first ever text for him. Another minute, 5 months passed.

12 May was a wonderful day. Heart racing, butterflies in stomach, hands trembling, smiling widely, we started texting. That was when I understand what happened to my heart. That night, I couldn't stop grinning to myself. My parents stared at me as if their daughter had gone crazy.

That feeling grew stronger day by day. I wasn't aware about it until something happened between us. I knew that there wouldn't be possibility for us to end up together, but I still throw myself into it. One day, someone told me, ah miaw, you're deeply in love. I wondered, am I? No. I am not. I denied. I didn't believe.

Things began to change. Distance between began to grow. Soon, that feeling of his faded. That was when I believed what he once said. Leaving me with all these regrets and tears.

5 months. But it seemed like everything just happened seconds ago. I always ask myself, what if he never appear in my life? What if I didn't choose to study in UCSI? Endless questions in my brains. But there is no answer.

I'm listening to his advice. "You should focus on your A-levels first." That was what he said. And I'm trying my best to do it.

Life is always unfair. At least for me, it is. I never was the lucky one. Not even once. I always try my best to satisfy people but they never seemed to notice. Since I was a kid, I was always the one sitting in the corner, seeing people being praised and all that. I have always wanted a praise, a sincere praise from someone.

In fact, I will never be taken seriously. Accept the truth. This is fate.

One more month and it's going to be half a year.

Confession

2011-10-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

Like what I said in the previous posts, my mom had been talking a lot to me lately. The same thing happened yesterday. I finally made up my mind, took a deep breathe and confessed to her.

She somehow seemed heart broken. I'm sorry, mom. I didn't mean to keep it from you. It's just that I didn't have the courage to tell you. I told her everything. I thought I could just tell her like I am okay, but I couldn't. Tears started rolling down when I told her what he said on beginning of September.

I'm really sorry mom. :'( I couldn't help it. She talked to me, gave me all sorts of opinion and advises, like a friend.

Just now, after I came back from piano class, she asked about him again. Before I told her about my story, she would jokingly mention about him and tease me about him. But just now, she asked with a frown on her face. I ruined his image in my mom's heart. My mom has bad impression on him. :'( Why is this happening? He is a good person. He's not to blame.

All these while, I was the one who is at fault. I started this thing. I shouldn't step into his life. My heart shouldn't feel that way when I saw him on the first day of school. Everything shouldn't have gone this way.

What if life has an U-turn?

Mom

2011-10-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

Recently, I thought of telling my mom about him. I mean, like telling her that I like him.

Why?

Because my mom had been talking to me, about finding a boyfriend. That morning, before going to school, she said, if you find someone who loves you, go for it. And if you miss that one chance, that's it. Right after she said that, as if someone stabbed my heart, it hurt.

That line kept on repeating in my head. If you miss that one chance, that's it. It's like she knew everything and she's telling me that, yeah he doesn't belong to you my dear. TT-TT

Just now, while discussing about who's good looking, she asked, what about him? Without thinking, I answered, NO. She then asked me to show her his photo again. The urge of telling her that I like him became stronger, but then my dad came in.

*mouth open but nothing comes out*

Do you think I should tell her? Will she be sad, because I told her we were just friends but the truth is I like him?

Mom, I like him.

Virgo

2011-10-05T04:35:00.000-07:00

I had been sharing articles about horoscope since May or June. Yes. I fall in love with the horoscope thingy after I stepped into his life. I hardly know anything about him. I foolishly thought that maybe by reading about his horoscope, I can get to know him better. Stupid enough?

As time goes by, I slowly got addicted to these thing. And it's kind of accurate. I mean, for my Taurus, it is accurate. Well, sometimes.

It's been some time since I stopped viewing about Virgo. I tried my best to avoid anything related to Virgo. But just now, after reading about Taurus, my brain told my fingers to scroll and click on Virgo. And I saw this.

【处女座怪癖，你有吗？】
3.容易喜欢上一个人，也容易厌烦；

处女座对于自己不喜欢的人基本上是三懒政策：

懒得搭理、懒得说话、懒得联系。是绝对真诚的小孩子，简单的不喜欢，但还是会敷衍别人说自己想谁也不耽搁谁。想顾全对方的面子，不知道如何拒绝对方，但也绝对不会接受。特别希望对方能看出自己做法的端详后就别理自己就好了

In my face.

I have untie the knot.

Then and there

2011-10-02T01:45:00.000-07:00

My mom suggested to go for breakfast at Jalan Abell. Sorry I forgot the name of that shop. As soon as she said that, I felt my heart screaming NOOO!

I have phobia using that road. I didn't want to recall anything that happened on that road months ago. On the way, I closed my eyes and tried to distract myself by listening to some songs. Failed. Those scenes played in my brain. I slapped myself, hard in the face thrice. That didn't help as well. In the end, I pulled the jacket over my face and let the tears flow like a running pipe.

Recently, I'm turning into a little monster. I cheated on someone. I lied to him. Saying things that I never expect myself to say.

I'm taking a revenge.

To myself.

Don't cry

2011-10-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

It's another extraordinary night. That feeling is back. Feeling empty inside. Curling into a ball on the bed, hugging myself and trying not to cry. It's going to be a long night.

When will this come to an end?

2011-10-01T00:08:00.001-07:00

Boyfriend

2011-09-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

This morning while I was getting ready for school, my mom said something out of the blue.

She was like, I think you better don't expect to find a guy like the person wearing glasses on your wallpaper (Uknow). If you find someone suitable, try to become friend ( her so called "friend" means in a relationship). Or else when you reach 20, nobody wants you.

And I gave her the what-is-wrong-with-you look. All these while, whenever I mention about someone who is interested in me, my dad will be unusually quiet. I know, every father feel jealous when their daughters are ready to have a boyfriend. Because someone is replacing them to take care of their daughter.

My mom said he doesn't disagree. As long as it doesn't affect your studies. I gave my mom a smile and walked away. I don't know why, but my tears started rolling down. I wiped it and headed to school. On the way to school, I cried.

Sorry guys, I know I was moody this morning.

You

There

2011-09-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

There were 3 new messages in my inbox when I checked my phone. Without expecting much, I pressed view. There he was, the similar name. My heart acted normally. It didn't race.

We chatted like how we did. But I bet the feelings are different. Both of us. He no longer text me for a reason. I, no longer reply because what I want is to make the conversation continue. I feel it. During all those conversation, we were like really close friends.

He asked, why did you block your blog? My answer was rubbish. He said he wanted to read. I answered him rubbish again. I think he was annoyed.

I shouldn't ask for more.

He asked

2011-09-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

I couldn't tell if it was in my dream or was it in reality. The only thing i could remember was what he asked me, in a teasing way. Yeah, people say you always dream of what you thought.

Why did you block your blog?

Good Friend

2011-09-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

You once said, we can be good good good friend, and I agreed. But you should know that I couldn't do that.

How can I treat you as a friend? A friend is a person who can smile when you hold someone else's hand and say, i finally found her. Can I? A friend is a person who comforts you and say GO FOR HER! YOU CAN DO IT! when you are so depressed because of someone else. Can I? A friend is a person who doesn't fall in love with you. Can I?

No. I can't.

*holds a baseball bat and smacks*

If I didn't fall for him, we could be really good friends, I bet. IF I didn't. Chatting with him was always comfortable. Although there were times when I didn't know how to reply his text. How I wish I could text him everyday as if nothing had happened.

Sorry, we can be good good friend :)

That day

2011-09-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

My mom wanted me to choose the photos taken by the photographer on my brother's wedding. After choosing, I went for a bath.

While showering, pictures of me and him chatting in the living room appeared. He greeted my dad, and then my mom. My brother even walked to him and shook hands. We talked a lot. He insisted to drive me out. Tears started running down again, I just couldn't help it.

What I regret is that, why didn't I think of taking a photo with him that day? If only there was a photo of him, I might feel better.

and she'll continue to smile no matter how hurt she is

Future

2011-09-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

I was never confident. Never was. I kept complaining about myself, while people around me kept on comforting and telling me that I am better than I thought. But I never believed.

He once told me something that I never had imagined. I didn't believe. I was doubting all the while. Until one day, it became history. From that moment onwards, I started blaming myself for not believing what he said. I started to regret what I had done. But what else could I do to bring back time? None.

I had this imagination. Imagining him being a doctor maybe after 7 years? He will be a successful person, a specialist?. During University life, he meets a girl whom he cherishes. Then they end up being together. A pretty girl she is, might as well is a doctor? They get married in UK and they have children. A pair of twins, maybe?

And one day, when i visit UK, I meet him on a street. Holding his lovely wife in one hand, a little boy in the other hand. He has the widest smile ever. I look into his eyes and he looks into mine. He no longer remember me. He walks pass me.

Yes, I am still giving myself false hope that he is coming back, even though I know it's not possible. Every once in a while, when he text me, I give myself hope. I feel like slapping myself. I just couldn't help it. A book I read recently dragged me back to life. Why don't I do something to distract myself? So yeah, I'm trying my best not to think about it.

When am I going to be able to say that

the two of you look great together

Brave

2011-09-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

The day was suppose to be an ordinary day, a day with laughter, a day that I wouldn't feel anything when i recall about it.

After lunch, we went to lounge. We chatted as usual. Suddenly, while talking to them, I turned my head towards the main entrance of basement and saw the familiar blue car. I gasped and the first thing that crossed my mind was - run.

Twin knew what I wanted to do when I stood up. T-T I lovo you caterpillar!! I rushed to the lobby to get my bag. I tried to find his car at the parking lot. But there was no sign of it

I went to 2nd floor. I told twin that he might had went home already. She said no. That moment, someone pushed the freaking door and came in. Screw it. It's him. I tried so hard to avoid meeting him but in the end I still see him. At first I wanted to pretend talking to twin but on second thought, I shouldn't do that.

As he got closer, I looked at him and he waved. I forced a smile and waved back. Without stopping nor slowing down, he walked pass me. I didn't have the courage to turn around. I knew if I do so, I will cry.

After class, on the way home, I thought of what happened. I kinda panicked because I couldn't remember the face I just saw a few hours ago. I tried my best to recall but what I got was an imperfect puzzle with a piece missing. I couldn't remember his face. TT-TT

I thought I became braver after you left

I thought I wouldn't cry when there's nobody around

I thought I no longer need you.

What happened to my heart today,

proved me wrong.

Teaching

2011-09-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

Teach. Not me. :)

He just text me just now. So, my heart itchy, hand itchy, eyes itchy, and I..... *took a deep breathe* visited his profile.

From the conversation between him and his friend, he's teaching.. kindy kids? But he told me he's teaching primary 1 students. Eh? Oh right, so I scrolled and scrolled, read and read, giggling by myself.

*slaps*

There was this part that, he said there's a kid who hugged him, like a koala bear hugging a tree. Ahaha. This is funny. I can imagine. I couldn't believe I actually smiled when I found out how happy he is now.

你還是要幸福

dream

2011-09-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

*high pitch scream*

*cough* Sorry being random. I just couldn't help it but scream.

Why?

Oh well. Because. I dreamed of someone random. x) Random? Nah. Totally not! That dream was so real. The dream ended when i opened my eyes. AWW! It felt as if he was really beside me the previous second. I was giggling like mad after realising it was only a dream and covered my face with the blanket, smiling.

The feeling of waking up from a dream with this person in it was totally different from the ones with Mr B. I know this is not that kind of feeling. Maybe it's like what Angela said, he's the type of person that I want?

Keep it inside.

還是要幸福

2011-09-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

不確定就別親吻感情很容易毀了一個人
一個人若不夠狠愛淡了不離不棄多殘忍

你留下來的垃圾我一天一天總會丟完的
我甚至真心真意的祝福永恆在你的身上先發生

你還是要幸福你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕別跟著我銘心刻骨

你還是要幸福我才能確定我還得很清楚
確定自己再也不會佔據你的篇幅
明天開始這一切都結束

還我鑰匙的備份我覺得再見可以很單純
我甚至真心真意的祝福永恆在你的身上先發生

你如果很幸福半夜的簡訊我就無需回覆
因為你的悲喜已經有了容身之處我也能有最純粹的孤獨

最孤獨的孤獨

This is how I feel now. Exactly. Especially the line 你還是要幸福你千萬不要再招惹別人哭 :'(

good nite

2011-09-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

He just text me and said good night. He didn't do so for like 3/4 days already. Those nights when there's no message from him, I was like, fine, it's okay. And the next day when i checked my phone and there's no sign of his message, I'll be like T_T

When i received this message from an unknown number, I didn't expect it to be him. I thought he changed number. He said he's using his mom's number.

Why is he doing this to me? Is this how he treats a friend? A friend who mean nothing to him?

Not there and haircut

2011-09-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Had been texting with this person since Saturday. The feeling is totally different comparing to how it was 2 years ago. I know I shouldn't do this to him. But I can't help it. I know I'm selfish.

I don't know why am I doing all these. Maybe it's because I want to know how he felt when he text me all day long. Maybe I wanted to know, will it be possible for someone to text another person whom he/she is not interested in? And my answer is, no.

Maybe he doesn't mind. He doesn't care who he's texting. :'( That's why we text. We became close. And I like him more each day. He felt the same as time goes by. Finally, he asked and we gave each other an answer. The answer was expected, so I didn't feel the pain that I should have.

Last night, I suddenly had those flashbacks. One of them was the one in his car. When he patted my head with a smile on his face. When he put his hand on my knee. When he asked, you don't get me? Really don't get me? When he pointed on his cheek. When he leaned over. I finally understand everything that happened that afternoon. T_T

I cut my hair again. Why? Because I felt better after cutting my hair last time. I felt as if I could live a better life without him. I stupidly thought that he would be out of my life after the haircut. And I did feel better. So yesterday, I cut again.

But this time, nothing seems to have changed. Or should I say, it became worst? Lying on the bed with my eyes wide open, and those flashbacks. The moment i finally understand about everything, tears rolled down. I had been fine for the past few days. I didn't cry in the night. Why is this happening to me? When I think I'm alright without him, things come back one by one.

那遗憾有可能弥补吗？

别再哭了

2011-09-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

伤心情歌播几遍了

你的眼还是红红的

生命总有些过客

现在不过多了一个

结束了何必再拉扯

有心事总该遗忘的

你听着听着又哭了

我明白的谁都难免不舍

别再哭了多不值得

笑一笑把爱情看透彻

生活苦涩该他负责

他会后悔他做了这选择

别再哭了多不值得

失去也是另一种获得

伤心情歌不属你的

幸福不一定非爱谁不可

爱错了又能如何

别再哭了不值得

笑着把爱情看透彻

生活苦涩他负责

他会后悔他做了这选择

别再哭了多不值得

失去也是另一种获得

伤心情歌不属你的

幸福不一定非爱谁不可

难熬的会经过的

2011-09-14T07:04:00.001-07:00

Open Day

2011-09-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

10.9.11

Open Day. Again. I was chosen to be Tour Guide this time. No more Bistro. No more wash plates. BUT I RATHER WASH THE FREAKING DISHES!!

Arrived there at 8.30am. Finally, Ms Tiffany gave us the so called script. She said she was going to test us. And we were like chiong-ing the paper. And then we found out we are allowed to read the paper during the tour. -..-

There were 3 of us. Boon Yan? i think. Amelia and me. When visitors came, Amelia and me were like, er.. you go la, train yourself, some more you're still coming tomorrow. In the end, we only brought the Townians for a tour.

One thing that i love during Open Day is that you can try new beverage. Not much for this time comparing to the previous Open Day. I drank 4 cups of coffee today. 4. :) I forgot to take photo for the coffee made by Donna.

My first coffee of the day. Cappuccino. Thanks Mr Ting.

Caramel Frappuccino. Thanks again Mr Ting.

Butterscotch Frappuccino. By Mr Ting as well.

Mr Chris' masterpiece.

My lunch (chicken rice) and tea break.

THIS IS SO VERY THE AWESOME. Why? Because it brings back memories.

Ah Lian, Charles, Brandon, Yik Lung. Ahahaha.

Some snacks for the Townians. Looks yummy, don't they?

I have been texting with someone since Saturday, fyi that someone is not Mr.b. What makes me feel guilty is... I treated him the way Mr b treated me. I am not trying to take revenge nor finding someone to replace him. NO. He will not be replaced. Never will. I just don't know why.

I wanted to know how you feel when you did that to me.

late night message

2011-09-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

9.9.11

Woke up this morning, checked facebook. There was one new message in my inbox. Not giving much hope, I clicked. It was him.

*thump thump*

He said something's wrong with his phone, that's why he didn't reply. He said he just went back home after going out with his friend. Friend. A "she"?

The time shown was 12 something.

Temporary blocked and birthday

2011-09-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a long post. I don't mind if you leave.

I blocked my blog. He's been reading my blog since I don't know when. T_T He knew everything about me but I don't know a tiny shit about him.

Now I know why he did all those things that gave me dilemma whether that feeling was still there or not. He gave me Xiao Bai because he felt guilty. He still chats with me because he don't want me to feel lonely. He sometimes still cares because that's what a friend does. He tells me random stuff because he feels like sharing it with a simple friend. That's all. The end.

Please don't try to comfort me by saying that it's me thinking too much. I am so sure about it because he told me something. The moment he told that something, I was like, yeah i know! I'm fine. And I gave him that stupid grinning face. Do i sound fake? He believed, right?

I'm starting to think about things i hate again. There's a "she", right? That's why things changed, eh? "She" is the one who receives his text every morning. "She" is the one who he chats with from day to night. "She" is the one who he cares a lot that he goes to her house just to see her. "She" is the one who he wants to share about everything.

Today is his birthday. This morning I sent him a simple birthday text. He replied. And the conversation ended. Just now, I texted him again. Yes, I so don't want face. T_T He said he went out for movie with his friends. His friends. Will "she" be one of them? "She" is with him on his birthday. "She"... Thinking about this, tears started running down again.

I was crying when he texted back. Typing those smiling emoticons made me cried harder. It's killing me inside but I have to pretend that I am fine. Ironic, isn't it? The conversation ended again. I lied. I said I wouldn't cry. I said I no longer care. I said I'm over you. Because I knew he's viewing my blog. I don't want him to text me because he felt sorry. I don't want him to pretend that he cares about me. I don't want him to feel annoyed.

Tears won't stop. Every night, I pull the blanket over my head, with Xiao Bai in my hand, I cry. It's so dark inside but i felt safe. Last night, my mom pulled my blanket and saw me crying. She asked me what happened. I don't know what to tell her. I just shook my head. She knew something's wrong with me. So I tried my best to laugh and joke around as usual.

How painful it is to recall those memories that used to be so sweet. How hard i tried to hold back my tears when I remember the way you talk to me. How much I miss those times when you used to send me morning text. How you stayed back or came back to campus just to accompany me. How we used to have endless topics to chat about.

Do you understand how I feel?

Hey there, Happy birthday. By this time next year, if someone mentions about you, I bet I will be able to say, Oh it's his birthday? I forgot.

It was expected. But it still hurts. :'(

Past tense

2011-09-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

So i finally got the answer. But I was so neutral. I didn't feel anything. Okay maybe a slight pain? Other than that, there was nothing. Perfectly nothing. Maybe it's been so long that I've got used to the pain and now it seemed like nothing. Or maybe... I knew the answer already.

What really surprised me was the first answer. I never took that for real. So that's why i asked.

Girl, you're brave enough. So now, it's okay to cry.

The day Xiao Bai appear in my blog,

it's the day that i decided to move on

without you.

Smile

2011-09-05T09:16:00.001-07:00

You promised yourself that you wouldn't cry.

Smile, girl. :)

Mom and him

2011-09-05T04:24:00.000-07:00

My mom suddenly asked about *cough* again. Why is she doing this to me.

*pulls hair*

She said something that makes me think that she's stalking him. It was so accurate. Hahaha I didn't know what to answer her so I kept nodding my head. Hoping for her to stop asking.

And then, she finally asked that question again.

*pulls hair and runs in circle*

I DON'T KNOW! I REALLY DON'T KNOW. That was my answer. TT_TT She continued torturing me. How can you not know? I don't think so.

Yeah right. I don't know. What do you want me to say? Alright yesh! I'm avoiding that topic again. Ahhhhhh.. Moms really understand their daughter. She knew that I wanted to run away from reality. That's why she brought up the topic?

So, i finally showed her his photo. I refused to show her last time. But today I thought, what's the point of hiding? I laughed my head off hearing the first thing she said after seeing his photo. Ha Ha Ha.

I can tell her anything about any guy i know. But when it comes to him, i swallow everything. Not even a single word. Not yet. I am not ready yet.

He likes you?

I don't know.

No wait, I don't think so.

you, i mean HIM

2011-09-02T21:55:00.000-07:00

I promised myself not to mention about you in my blog. But I just can't help it. TT__TT

Had a short, really short chat with him the night before last. It felt like those old times again. The only thing that's different was the... feel? I don't know.

I was trying to avoid certain topic. But it still went that way. Those questions that I do not have an answer. Twin encouraged me to step forward. And i did.

After all those chat, he left. While chatting with twin, she asked me a question that I was trying to avoid all the time. I tried my best to hide. Because whenever this question comes out, I panicked. I. don't. know. the. answer. TT_TT

And yesterday while duty-ing, I saw something, AGAIN. Woi! That was the 3rd time i saw something that I dropped the stupid heavy black file. It was so embarrassing. The office was so quiet and suddenly TUBBB! I knew they were staring at me. *cough*

I was flipping through the pile of papers and that name suddenly appeared.

*thump thump THUMP*

I wish i had a photo with you.

Goodbye

2011-09-01T06:01:00.000-07:00

Hey there, it had been nice chatting with you, although it was only a less than an hour chat. Like what I said, chatting with you seemed so natural. Everything came without thinking. There was nothing to be afraid of while chatting. And i thought i found another friend.

~~But then you removed me.~~

~~Goodbye~~

~~and all the best to you.~~

Misunderstandings.

Everything's fine now i guess :)

-_-

2011-08-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

Guys nowadays are SO WEIRD. You were the one who seemed so friendly at first. You were the one who approached. You were the one who started everything.

Now what? I explained. And i don't know why the hell did I explain all those shits to you.

Maybe it's because i don't want to lose a friend. I could open up and chat with you, once. Everything came so naturally. I didn't have to think about what to talk next. I felt that, we could be close friends.

But, BUT. After all those craps I've said, you didn't reply. I. Hate. That. I hate it when people don't reply me especially guys.

Anyway. To that someone, if and only if you're reading this. I didn't lie. That was one of the reason. You aren't meaningless. You aren't stupid either. I have my own reason not to tell you why. But it doesn't means that I lied to you.

I just don't want to lose a friend.

why

2011-08-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

She told me, someone asked me about your facebook. My heart stopped beating. That moment, I secretly asked myself, would it be him? No. It wouldn't. I shook my head and replied. I knew it wouldn't be him, that's why i didn't have the urge to guess who he is.

So this someone asked me. And i told him the reason. Yeah right. That was one of the reason. Minor...? He didn't believe. Fine. Then why did you ask in the first place?

Why did i even bother to explain?

3rd time this year

2011-08-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

LOOOOOOOOOO.

My voice is smexy. SO BERY DA S-M-E-X-Y.

I'm sick.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

-______- What?!

The 3rd time this year. T__T My bro called back just now and i picked up the phone.

Me: Hello

Bro: Hello, mummy?

HOI.

4 in 1

2011-08-29T04:48:00.000-07:00

24.08.11

After class, Ah Mek asked me out for lunch, felt reluctant to go at first but then i still went at last. In the end, Jing Lih joined us. It's been a looooooooooooooong time since we talked like that. The moment I sat down, i heard the word "fat". And when Jing Lih came, he said something worst. *cough*

Ah Mek avoiding the camera. =..=

Went to teach as usual. The more i spend time with them, the more i love those two. JUST two. :) Let's see.

The one with the wide wide smile is Nigel. The blue shirt kid is Juston. These two kids are cute. Ahaha. I don't know why, i just like them. The green shirt kid is... Enson? Sorry, i can't spell his name.

25.08.11
Last night, stayed up to study Chemistry. But not even a single word went into my brain. I don't know why. Images of someone was everywhere. I couldn't concentrate. Turned off the lights and went to bed. As soon as the lights were off, tears started running down my face.

Grabbed my phone, there were 2 messages. One was from twin. It was a short text, but what she wrote made me cried harder. The other one, was expected. Staring at that one word and one emoticon, I didn't know what to do. Tears rolling down drop by drop.

This morning, the mood wasn't back yet. Sorry guys for showing that face. Halfway reading the notes, i fall asleep. Maybe God was beside me and He asked me to sleep. So that I wouldn't see him driving into campus or seeing him coming into campus or whatever. And I'll probably be moody for the rest of the day.

After lunch, David told me that he was in the campus. I was teasing twin about xiao huang. After David told me about it, my heart stopped beating. Although he wasn't there, I wanted to run. I don't know where, but i wanted to run. Angela said she saw him this morning but she didn't dare to tell me.

That was the first time I didn't notice that he was in campus. Good news, isn't it?

26.08.11
Tried this test because i was bored and found it quite accurate. T____T

你的好奇心很强，喜欢凑热闹，个性就像孩子一样，所以你无法忍受一丁点的孤单寂寞，也因此你挑选伴侣时，往往是[好伴比坏伴好，坏伴比没伴好]，这样的想法经常让你变成苦命的阿信，无怨无悔，不求回报地为对方付出，但是对方却不一定懂得疼惜你，你反而可能变成被提分手的对象。

Means I have to change my attitude? Okay, I'll try.

Bought this at Popular. :) Hopefully i gonna finish it.

28.08.11

After breakfast yesterday, went to Parkson, Pullman, One Jaya, and finally The Spring. Saw one at Parkson. The price? rm231.2. Handsome much. My mom was like, you like it? Buy. And my heart was kinda itchy. :3 Esprit Pullman. Another nice one. rm139.90.

I gave up the one at One Jaya. My dad was kind enough to bring me to The Spring. Saw 2 at Esprit. Same price. D.i.l.e.m.m.a.

Me: which one?

Mom: This one leather macam pasar malam. That one colour not nice.

-.-

Me: Dy, nice? *showing him one of the bag*

Dad: *nod nod* nice.

Me: *showing him two bags*

Dad: *look at me*... er.. I don't know. You decide yourself.

My dad is the kind of person that support whatever decision i make. My mom is the kind of person that give.. the pros and the cons. WHICH give me more dilemma all the time.

Finally, i decided. TA-DAA!

Back home, my mom loves the bag more than me. x) Ahaha.

Breakfast this morning, Lian suddenly called. Had 2nd round breakfast with them. Old friends are always the best. :)

My mom asked about him again. Tad.

He was in my dream again. Tud.

好期待哪天

在那条路上

不再想起那些充满遗憾的

回忆

Sudden

2011-08-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

Suddenly have this feeling that

i'm all alone.

梦里的我

2011-08-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

这晚

犹如往常

静静的掉泪

曾经好害怕的黑暗

现在已经成为

最好的陪伴

因为只有在黑暗中

才会觉得安全

才能卸下面具

放任泪水流下

回忆

好残忍

每次都是深深的

狠狠的

刺在心的最深处

那些遗憾

清楚知道不应该

但还是想了

每当他被问起的时候

心里难忍得要命

可却要以开玩笑的心态回答

脸上的笑容

有多僵硬？

身边的人都察觉了

我却拼了命的掩盖

为的是不让自己

受伤

她说

你难道就没有发现吗？

为什么他要那么做？

你

自己想想

the car beside

2011-08-23T07:37:00.000-07:00

After lunch

His car was beside mine.

class and car

2011-08-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

So, it was around 12pm, I was bored so i turned to face the window. Few seconds later, i saw this group of senior..? Passing by, then i saw this... familiar figure.

*facepalm*

I just did that. Nothing else. Whenever i see him, i do that. :3

I was trying to run away from campus as soon as Miss Kho dismissed us, because of some stupid reason. Ignore that part. It was freaking hot in my car, so i winded down the window. The next moment, 2 guys came out from the corner. Him. Tud. Him!

I didn't dare to look up. I was busy staring at my phone. :( I drove away after they went to his car?

My heart didn't beat for him.

So i guess that means it's nothing :)

Wilber

2011-08-21T04:39:00.000-07:00

Everything started from the day I knew Wilber's coming to Kuching through my foster brother. I was so excited and the first person who came to mind was my dear. :3 I told her and she was like, HOW TO GET THE FREAKING TICKET?! And i was like, ouh right. I forgot we need ticket.

So let's ignore how we got the ticket, shall we?

*nod nod*

The nearer it was, the more i didn't have the mood. *whispers* I even forgot about it when i woke up yesterday morning. :3 Shhh.. Let's keep it a secret, or else my cousin's gonna slap me. So, as usual, I stuck my butt beside the laptop for the whole day. Around 4, bathed myself and got ready.

Arrived at The Spring, heads everywhere. And we saw people queuing for something at the Digi counter. We joined. It was actually like that, the first 60 with 2 tickets will be able to get an album for free.

We queued. *Look at the loooooooong line* Forget about it, we gave up.

After dinner, we went to have a look at the stage. There were a few zone. We got curious where were we going to be. So we went to ask the Digi guy. We walked here and there, asked 4 person? And the worst part was, we got 4 different answers. Dayumm. At last, the conclusion was, we will only be at the Digi/ Normal Zone.

HOI! You know how far that zone was? I bet Wilber's face will be like bean size from that far. We were so disappointed. No wait, I wasn't disappointed that time. Because I didn't feel the excitement nor the looking forward-ment.

Oh well, we went upstairs and tried to squeeze into the crowd. Damn those 2 girls in front. Tad. My cousin and I talked and talked and talked. Finally, the MC? DJ? came out and spoke. I wasn't paying attention to him. But then, my cousin suddenly told me, eh he said if you have ticket you can get into VIP zone woi. I was like, ah? really ar? Okay i go down try you wait here.

I went down, showed the lady my ticket and she gave me a cop. I was like, HOI REALLY OR NOT?! I didn't care and went in. WUU! The feeling of stepping into that zone. *nose high high* So, that was how we got in. And we looked up and gave those 2 girls the squeeze-la-as-if-i-care look. EH HEH!! In your face!

Waited... waited... waited... That was when the excitement came, finally. It was getting more and more crowded. Skip the long long boring game session by Myfm. =..=

8.30pm? He finally came out. WOOTZ!! With glasses. Pweeehehh... :3 Screams cheers whistles. Ouch. My ears hurt. He was singing and dancing and smiling at the same time. Crash my camera for not being able to capture those moments.

You know what? We were originally standing at the 3rd row? I mean there were still quite a number of people in front. But when he came out, people got so excited that they started pushing. I was squeezed to the front. OH HOH HOH! Thank you so much.

There was this girl who was so lucky that she got to take photo with him. And she requested to have a hug. The next second, he hugged her. Aww. Nice guy. The dancers and him taught the other 3 the dance steps of his song. In the end, the slender girl won. I didn't see what happened because i was deleting the photos in my freaking camera. [memory full] TUD!! My cousin said, Wilber was going to give the bear to the girl but it fall and she picked it up. Wilber took it back, kissed it and gave it to her. YERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Ahhhhhh. If he was Uknow, and if i saw him doing that, i'll definitely faint then and there.

He continued to sing after the game. Thanks to my lovely camera, i didn't video any sentimental song he sang. T_T Oh well, i just paid attention to him. And and and, our eyes met thrice. EH HEH!! *imagining he's Uknow* Woi. Die. Sure die!

After singing 6 songs, autograph signing. We didn't buy the album so we could only see other people go up the stage. Later, finish that autograph signing session, he thanked the fans and everyone. He's so cute.

Note: some photos aren't taken by me. :)

Videos? Facebook please.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Next time,

i'll get your autograph. :)

Wishing Well

2011-08-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

Was enjoying myself. Smiling and laughing with my cousin.

Something happened. My heart started thumping like nobody's business.

Went for a walk with my cousin. Because my heart thumped so fast that i have breathing problem.

From time to time, i glanced around. Praying for that familiar figure not to appear. But at the same time, secretly hoping that I can steal a glance at him.

We went to the Wishing Well. I knew it was ridiculous but i still hoped for something to happen. I rang the bell. Made a wish with the coin in my palms. And threw it into the well.

My cousin was still teasing me. She GASPPP!!! And i jumped. Woi. That's not funny ok. My heart is very sensitive la ho? You gasp once, it thump faster a bit la ho? Tad.

I wonder if you've done the same thing i did.

Dream

2011-08-19T02:19:00.000-07:00

Woke up last night. Grabbed my phone, it showed 2.34am. I asked myself, why wake up at this time? Or did i even fall asleep?

It was so quiet. The only thing i heard was the air-con. Plugged in the earphones, again. Searched for that song, again. On Rainy Days. Brought back a lot of memories. Tears started running down my face. I knew it's gonna be another night with wet pillow.

I don't know when and how i fall asleep. This morning i heard my alarm but i refused to wake up. Because of that dream. It felt so real. He was in the dream. He was so near, yet so far. T_T

I didn't want this. He came into my life and messed everything up. No wait. It's not his fault. He didn't even knocked, but i opened the door and let him in.

How am i going to forget

the first time our eyes met

321.2

2011-08-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

I did stupid thing this morning. While i was having my toast, Shawnne suddenly went, *gasp* staring at the window. I thought what happened, turned, and saw something. My feet told me to run. So did i. But Shawnne pulled me back. -_-

In the end, I managed to hide in the library. Do what? Sleep :3

After sleeping for like 10 minutes, I walked down with the who-are-you-sorry-i'm-blur face. As soon as the heavy door swung open, i saw the familiar figure. No feel, at all. Yeah. I never feel anything when i see this guy.

Their result came out at around 1. His result was pretty good. :) After lunch, we went to library. With the earphone plugged in, listening to the same rhythm over and over again, thinking about something that i shouldn't be thinking. Before tearing up, i switched on the computer.

Facebook as usual. And then i saw this photo that i see everyday. My twin and Angela did something. Evil. My twin started to type something, but i managed to hit backspace button. WOI. She typed numbers. And. Enter. 321.2 it was, in the chatbox.

*pulled my hair and screamed*

Scream. Seriously.

Calmed down after a while. We were watching Bigbang performance and my twin suddenly went, AH XXXX reply! That was when my heart started thumping real fast. But i know it didn't thump for THAT reason. It's like you talk to someone you never talked to and you feel... ER.. Nervous. Ya nervous!

It was a short conversation. And i know it was nothing. Back home, only then i realized what really happened. And i smiled. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing more. I smiled because, the dilemma of chatting with him or not was solved. At least i've typed 3 lines. :3

Girl, he doesn't care.

命

2011-08-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

我一直都觉得老天好不公平。当你觉得你好幸福的时候，他会毫不留情的把你拖到地狱，让你不知所措。那时的你，好无助。好想痛哭一场，可却欲哭无泪。所以，你选择沉默，静静地活着。

其实，应该要习惯了。因为从懂事以来就是这样活过来的。无论是亲戚，朋友，老师...所有的人，都是这样。尝试过改变，但结果却是一样的。

累了，不想再管了。但是老天却让我短暂的拥有过，让我起了贪念，让我想要得到更多。

一直以来，身边围绕着好多人的都不可能是我。看着人群嘻嘻哈哈，心里好不是滋味。或许，我加入他们，也可以变成他们的一分子。或许，我开口，就不会有这样的感觉。或许，我真的应该...

可是，我能怎么办？我不善于表达自己。应该说，我不喜欢说话，不喜欢主动和别人搭讪。但是这并不代表我不需要陪伴，不需要别人的安慰。我也想要每天在回忆中，笑声中度过。我也会想要有群好得不得了的朋友。我也会想要朋友来到我身边而不是我用热脸去贴别人的冷屁股。

所以我选择沉默，选择静静的坐在一旁，看着你们，感受你们的快乐。或许，我一生就得这么过。

很讽刺，我知道。但是如果真的是这样...那我任命。:)

走吧…都走吧，反正我已经习惯了一个人…

Inbox

2011-08-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

Delete all messages?

Yes

I shall be fine without you. :')

Open Day

2011-08-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

So, let's start from the day I volunteered to help out. (uiseh..) *cough* Miss Linda put me in Bistro. Alright. Wash plate. Serving. Smile. Great. Just great.

Early in the morning, Angela and I reached at the same time. Twin came. We talked nonsense. Then I saw this guy. :3 The first thing i did when i saw him walking towards the main entrance was *facepalm*. Seriously. I don't know why. He was in suit. :3 And he looked cute. :3

Bistro. Yeah. That's where i spent my whole day. Kelly was there too. Hi Kelly. :) Julian told us what we should do. It sounded easy. Hmm... But basically what we did today was, wash plates, dry plates, wash plates, dry plates. That's it. Easy job.

While I was washing the dishes, I saw something which distracted me. WOI. My heart so sensitive. T.T I even had breathing difficulty. I left the dishes for Kelly, ran out and shouted, ANGELA!!!!!!!!!!! I grabbed her hand, jumped around as if nobody's around. She tried to calm me down. But she started to panic as well when she saw him. Haha. It was kinda funny, thinking about it now.

Back to the bar. We got to see Mr Christopher do the cocktail and stuff. It was interesting. And i love it. We tried all sorts of.. alcoholic beverages. They said I turned pink. Hmm.. OUH! I love the Hazelnut Frappuccino. So nice!

This is the Hazelnut Frappuccino. Should have taken photo for the rest but i forgot. x)

And now the cute guy. :3 He came into Bistro from time to time. Can't even count the times he came in just to look into the mirror. Ahaha. I told my twin that this guy looks cute even when he washed his mouth, she gave me the stop-it-will-you look. Serious ma. He ish cute. And and and and and and!! *gasps* Our eyes met. Thrice? I don't remember.

*facepalm* *pull hair and run in circle*

SLAP

Ouch. Okay wake up.

Last thing. Thanks Mia for everything today, Mr Christopher for all the drinks, Julian and Mr Ting for the coffee and the helps. :) I love it there today.

He was always around. I'm happy. Just happy, that's all.

my wish was granted

2011-08-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

Last night, i was so desperate to see him. And i told my twin about it. She asked me, what are you going to do if you see him. I didn't know how to answer her.

Yeah. What am I going to do if I really see him? I knew I would tremble if i see him. I knew I wouldn't dare to look straight into his eyes if i see him. I knew it. But deep inside, I'm dying to see him.

And God heard me.

When I was driving into the campus, I searched for that familiar rectangular thingy. Yesh. No sign of it. *continue driving*. Dayum!! It was there!! My heart started racing. There was an empty spot beside his. NO. I drove away.

I walked into campus. I just rushed to the stairs. And went straight to library. T.T

I want to see him. :(

I said I wanted to see you but when I know you're around, I tried to avoid.

为什么

2011-08-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

为什么那么坚持？
虽然嘴上说放弃了
可事实上却还是那么执着。

为什么还是会不时的想起来？
就算是小小的事情
也可以唤起有关你的记忆

每天嬉皮笑脸
可只要到了晚上
就不再坚强

躺在床上闭着眼睛
逼自己不去想
可偏偏就是会想起来

就算是睡觉前也都要戴上耳机
为的是不让自己觉得孤单
但是
却流泪了

这一切

或许只是为了

不让自己再轻易的爱上任何人

should be used to it

2011-08-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

It was always like this. I should be used to it.

It has been 11,12 years already? Every year, everywhere.. I'm going through the same thing. No matter how much effort i put in to try to change things, in the end it turns out to be the same.

I always treated people the way i wanted them to treat me back. But everything proved me wrong. No matter what I do, I'll get back the same thing.

I'm sick of being the clown all the time while the others stare at me like i'm an alien or something.

I miss school life. I miss 5sc1. I miss Vivian Kuan. I miss Lilian Lau. I miss Envira Lee. I miss Tsai Sze Hui. I miss Miss Tan. I miss everyone from school. T.T At least being with you guys, i don't feel how i feel now.

Sitting alone in student lounge, music at full blast, every single scene came back to mind. How he used to come back to campus for that stupid request. How he used to poke me. How he used to pinch my face. How he used to do all those things which meant a lot to me but it's nothing to him.

I cried then and there. Hopefully they didn't see my tears.

Just one night.

Let me cry

first day and brave sisters

2011-08-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

First day of work today. Hmm.. Wasn't that bad after all. And guess what, there was this little kid, who is sho dayumm cute. Handsome some more. Tad. He came talk to me. WOI! Kid! I love you!

AND. I've got 2 brave sisters.

Er.. I mean, I have 3 sisters, 2 of them are so brave. I salute!

BUT.

Those guys ruined my mood. One kept denying. And the other one has internet connection problem? Nevermind. Whatever. 4 of us, are having the same fate. Oh wait. The little one is still a question mark. Hopefully she's gonna make it!

Guys are weird. SO WEIRD. Can you at least make things clear before you do anything? Even though you didn't want to hurt that girl? Oh wait. You stupid thing, you're hurting her by doing that. Got it?

SLAP. All the 4 guys.

It's funny how you try to comfort a person who feels sad for someone,

not knowing that you are actually that "someone".

2011-08-07T08:10:00.000-07:00

哪天

你身边

多了一个这样的她

高高的

好苗条

脸蛋小小的

好漂亮的眼睛

笑起来甜甜的

非常关心你

最重要的是

你紧紧地牵着她

因为她是你的选择

这天

我会告诉你

好好珍惜她

下定决心了

就不要轻易放弃

毕竟

你们在对的时间

遇见了彼此

不懂你微笑的意思

我猜不到你真正的感觉

幻想

2011-08-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

每次回去婆婆家

或者任何亲戚家

我都走遍整间屋子

和所有人打招呼

今天脑子就突然有这种画面

我看见自己

牵着另一个人的手

拉着他去打招呼

舅舅，姑姑，这个是XX

然后那个XX

就会微微笑着叫人

但是

那个XX

我不知道是谁

幻想里

看不到他的脸 xD

可奇怪的是

我感觉得到

他手里的温度

这不切实际的幻想

不会实现

但是想一下不犯法吧？x)

Uknow and Wilber

2011-08-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

People who are close to me probably know that there's this guy who i love so much. Yesh. Love. More than anyone else. And nobody shall replace him. NOT EVEN MY FUTURE HUSBAND. Bahaha.

Oh right. I was craving for his parts in Kiss and Cry. At this point of time, Google sucks. I couldn't find any. Until my dear told me Funshion has Korean variety show. And BOOM. I spotted Kiss and Cry. FTW Funshion!!

I downloaded everything. And was smiling from time to time when he performed. And and and i checked Allkpop. There was this latest episode. Claudia and him used Star Wars as their theme. You know what? THEY WERE AWESOME!! Check it out.

Kiss and cry - Star Wars

Just look at the roses they got. :3 And FYI, Uknow got the most roses in the first performance. He got first place.
Laaaaaaaaaaaa.... I was so hyper after watching. My dad was like, you watched him again ar? *smile* *nod nod nod*

He never fails to surprise me. He never fails to make me smile. Yeap. This guy. Seriously. Is awesome. Perfect! <3

Just came back from The Spring. My dear wanted to get the Wilber's ticket. So we went to reload. Digi is superb. Reload rm30, free 2 tickets. Oh well. We got the ticket.

10 minutes later....

Me: Oh. I got his ticket. Woi. WOI!
Dear: =..=
Me: Eh if this ticket is for Uknow right. I tell u right. I WILL CRY!!!
Dear: Happy till crazy right?
Me: Abu den?

She was soooooooooooo excited. So am i? I guess. Imagine, Uknow come to Kuching. And I am going to... No. I can't imagine. I'll cry. For real.

This is the 4th year since i fall for you.

This is wrong

2011-08-04T04:52:00.000-07:00

I feel like crying.

I don't know why.

Bye.

NO! NEVER!!

2011-08-03T07:14:00.000-07:00

What the hell am i thinking and doing?! I know this isn't right. I know!! But i'm still doing it.

Dayuuum!

Slaps myself.

Bangs wall.

*Ouch..*

WAKE UP GIRL!! STOP DOING THIS!